What December 21st Means To Me: Holiday Commercials

I know people who have TiVo may not realize that commercials still even exist, but I certainly do because sports are meant to be watched live, therefore I've been subjected to a slew of holiday commercials that confound the mind (though I have to admit that Pizza Hut Box O' Dinner makes me hungry every time I see it.  I'm not sure how many it's supposed to feed, but I'm firmly convinced I could take the entire thing down myself). 

But anyway...

Zales, Jared, Kay Jewelers:  I understand why these commercials are shown a zillion times during football games: because only a man would ever buy jewelry at Zales.  I grew up in New York, and now live in LA, so I'm not in tune with the Middle American zeitgeist, so maybe Zales is the Tiffany's of Nebraska.  But, to me, I'd assume buying my hypothetical girlfriend something from Zales is just an invitation for her to fuck other men.  Jewelry, of all gifts, should be personal.  It should require thought.  So how much thought is behind buying some mass produced piece of shit you saw on a commercial during halftime of the Packers game?

And for the ladies: isn't wearing an "open heart pendant" (or whatever) today's version of a scarlet letter?  I can just imagine wearing that out and having every other woman thinking "wow, her man cheap!" How do these stores stay in business?  Maybe I'm being a snob, and for those reading who are now clutching their open diamond heart pendant with trepidation, I apologize. 

Lexus - Hey, the jingle YOU created and are now trying to make iconic is not the rich white person's version of the ice cream truck.  Not sure how many of you have seen these commercials, but I guess a while ago Lexus created a simple jingle for their ads that they figured everyone would recognize.  So, in their new commercials, they use this dumb music as a harbinger for awesomeness.  For example, a lovely white couple is riding in an elevator and, suddenly, the elevator starts playing the "lexus music."  The woman smiles and the guy immediately knows that when those doors open, his eyes will be greeted by a brand new car.  Then they'll kiss, hug, and laugh about how rich and awesome they are while snow falls behind the windows of their completely glass house that's no doubt in Aspen.

I would like to see this tried in real life. 

BP - New Orleans Commercial - This one is special.  Hey BP, we know your oil spill ruined the Gulf of Mexico, and it's nice that you created a tourism commercial for the area.  But then to plaster your logo at the end of the commercial as if you're doing them some kind of favor? As my friend AJ says.."COOOOMMMEEEEEEE OONNNNNNNNNNNNN."  We know what you're up to.  You're an oil company, not our best friend.  Clean up your mess, stay out of the public eye, and go fuck yourself. 

Geico Cavemen - Brian Orakpo is the best you can do as a spokesman?  Hey, if you have to remind us who is hocking your product every single commercial, then you probably need a new spokesman.

And speaking of, I always found it peculiar that company's continuously hire random C list celebrities to help advertise their product.  Do they really think it lends them credibility?  Will I be more likely to buy a vacuum cleaner because David Caruso told me to?  I also question the value of paying A-list celebrities millions to voice cartoon characters in animated movies, but I admit this may help in the marketing of films, even though I think its dumb.

But if I were making a holiday commercial, I'd create a normal advertisment that I could air any time of the year, except I'd include a little elf that continuously says "buy mah shit!" He could just stand in the corner of the screen and chime in every once in a while, just to remind you to buy whatever it is I'm selling.  It may be crude and uncouth, but I bet you'd remember it much more than you would Brian Orakpo. 



Buy mah shit!