Top Five Things I Love About This Random Family

I just got back from spending an awesome week in Austria, and, on the return leg, had the pleasure of a six hour layover at London's Heathrow airport.  Those that know me best (or even not well at all), understand there's no sarcasm there.  I love airports. I love layovers.  I love malls.  I love eating. I love singing the "I like to stop at the duty free shop" song from Seinfeld.  It's all perfect.  But, during the 4th hour, after what seemed like my seventh trip to Starbucks, I sat on a bench and stared aimlessly into nothing (boredom can happen anywhere, after all).  That is...until I noticed the seemingly normal family of four sitting in front of me. 

And oh how they amused me for the next 30 minutes. 

Oh, and yes, the following post contains pictures.  Which means the following post proves I can be an effective stalker.  Though I'm sure I'm not alone.  Haven't we all pretended to write a text while actually snapping a pic of what's in front of us?  My general method of choice is to pretend my phone isn't getting a signal, furrowing my brow like there's some sort of problem (because who takes a picture when they look frustrated) and then pretend to hit some buttons after I actually take the picture, followed by the lowering of the phone like the problem has been rectified.  Ya know, all perfectly normal. 

Anyway...

Here's the TOP FIVE THINGS ABOUT THAT FAMILY SITTING IN FRONT OF ME.  Or maybe...Top Five Reasons This Family Is Great Birth Control. 

5) Playing Games

I know that picture seems innocent enough, and at the time it was, but my sixth sense told me something interesting would soon happen.  Well, that and the fact he had just shook the red and blue "lines" of the simple toy like he was holding the bars of a jail cell and desperately wanted to be released.  I didn't even know it was possible to break those toys, they seem so secure in the wood, but well, he managed.  Then went on his merry way to terrorize anything else he could.

4) Yes, Child, Go Play In Traffic.

Normally, when a young child sprints into a throng of strangers, much like a dog dashes across a park when it sees a squirrel, a parent's reaction is to run after the child or, at least, call after them (you know, in that tired way parents do).  The Dad of my favorite family's reaction after his daughter pointed at something in the distance and ran towards it, far out of sight?  Well, a simple glance in her direction and then....

Ain't no thing.

3) This Seems Like A Nice Place To Sit

Two things about this picture: 1) excuse my finger, I was laughing while taking this one.  I'm not exactly the worlds best spy.  2) Notice where the daughter is sitting, and the legs coming out from behind her.  See em? Yes, she's sitting on her brother's head. 

Now, look at Mom. 

I love this picture.  And, unfortunately, this blog doesn't come with sound effects, otherwise you would have heard him SCREAMING.


2) Eventually...

The mother finally intervened with a light "stop it," to which the kids natural reaction wasn't just to remain silent and sit politely.  No, that would be easy and would make far too much sense.  Their reaction?  To stand in front of their mother, simulate farting noises, annoy the shit out of her, and give Brett some lulz.  It involved a little dance, lots of fart sounds, and a few childish giggles (from both me and them). 

The greatest regret of my entire vacation was not getting the camera out of my pocket in time to snap photo evidence of this display.  But you can more or less imagine how it went.  I did, however, capture a picture of Mom after the children dispersed.

By the way, notice the person in the upper right hand corner of the pic.  That just struck me as funny.  I have no clue what she was doing. 

1) And finally...

Just when I noticed that my gate was posted and open, and I was ready to leave, I saw Mom and Dad give a cursory glance to the flight board.  The kind of glance that suggests they know the news can't be good.  Then they looked at each other as the father glumly said, "only two more hours" in the most resigned tone you can imagine. The mother sighed and nodded. It was all she could do.  And off I went.

Thanks for the entertainment, family of four.  Children are gifts, aren't they?

Top Five Thoughts On The Weekend

Just a quick five thoughts...

5) Hey Microsoft, no matter how hard you try, you probably won't ever be "hip"

Have you seen these new Microsoft commercials for that half tablet/half laptop thing? Where they accentuate the clicking sound it makes when you attach the keyboard to the tablet? Then, using the sound, they form a beat, and then all the cool kids spill all their cool on the entire world?  It just feels like Microsoft is trying too hard.  Keep it simple.  I can picture a bunch of older white guys in a board room, sitting with their serious faces, saying "we need more cool.  The kids like the dancing and the hip hop.  Lets do that." 

Honorable mention for most annoying commercial also goes to that "Bud Light" spot, where a group of guys hold their bottles with the labels facing out because it will help the kicker kick the winning field goal.  They cite "scientific research," and this is supposed to be funny.  Few things:  1)It's not. 2) If you're going to make a commercial about how their stupid superstition causes the improbable, then maybe a game winning field goal (a common occurrence) shouldn't be the subject, and 3) They are at an Oakland Raiders game, and come on, they never win :D.

4) Sports Bars are annoying

Because I'm a fan of an out of town team, I'm subjected to these hellholes a few times a year when my favorite team isn't on national TV.  This is actually worthy of a post itself, but loud places full of obnoxious drunkards are never ideal.

3) Veterans Day

It's Veterans Day in America, but I'm about to raise an un-popular opinion.  I was watching a lot of football this weekend, and of course, there were many ceremonies in honor of the military and our troops (and, of course, veterans deserve to be commended for their service.  They do the dirty work, after all), but the way this country praises and lionizes our military is a bit unsettling.  And if I were from another country, and knew little of America, I'd find it bordering on disturbing. We just stop short of praying to it. My case in point?  You're probably reading this in horror and thinking "How can he criticize the military!  He's not supporting the troops!" But this has nothing to do with the troops (and I hate when people take any criticism of the military as a sign that I'm not "supporting the troops"), but it makes it hard to think open minded about both our military spending and the military's place in our society when we hold it up on this tall pedestal no one can reach.  That said, Veterans Day is a day for veterans and your service is appreciated.

2) Lincoln. 

The New Spielberg Movie.  Saw it.  Liked it, didn't adore it.  Great performances, too many soliloquies.  Also, its essentially a movie about how Lincoln manipulated congress into voting for slavery emancipation.  An incredibly interesting and worthy story, but not one that involves Lincoln's death, and the quick "death" scene felt out of place.

Also, on a side note, a number of years ago, when GAP rolled out their (RED) campaign, there were a serious of billboards featuring Spielberg in a red leather jacket.  Below, it said "Hono(red)."  Now when you look at their inspi(red) ads, you immediately think "inspired."  But when you look at hono(red), you immediately think Hono Red. And I don't even know what Hono Red would mean, but it's funny.  As a result, since these ads were released, my friends and I just call him Hono Red. By the way, you can't find that ad anywhere now. Try googling it.  I can picture Hono Red being all "Why the fuck does it say Hono Red?  TAKE THESE DOWN NOW."

1) One week till vacation.

Thank the heavens. 

Top Five Election Day Thoughts!

Just a quick five thoughts on this Election Day.

5) This Election Is Important

Yeah, yeah, I know it's en vogue to say "Well, both parties are awful, they are the same, blah blah, I'm lazy and wanna stay home with my thumb up my butt."

This may be true to a point, but the future of healthcare and the Supreme Court will be directly affected by this election.  One guy wants to continue to implement a new healthcare plan that will change the course of America, and the other guy wants to get rid of it.  Pending on which side of the fence you're on, you might care who is in office because this will directly affect your future.  Yes, government is broken and all that, but these are two candidates with much different viewpoints. 

4) I'm Glad I Got To The Polls Early.

When I arrived, I was fourth in line.  And just as I said to the person in front of me, "Whats with the shit turnout this year," I turned around to see...

Not exactly that, well actually...kinda.  Once the mob settled, there was a fight over line placement. Yeah, a fight.  Screaming and yelling.  I don't understand why it mattered, voting doesn't take very long, it's not like we're in line for free blowjobs and the people providing the goods are getting tired.  Why do we always have to be such assholes to eachother?   America, ladies and gentlemen!

On another note, two people in line had 7-11 coffee cups with Obama's name on it. Apparently, when you buy coffee at 7-11 today, you can show your pride by drinking coffee out of your candidate of choice.  For something that's supposed to be a somewhat private selection, I was kind of surprised by this.  Plus, in LA, I can't imagine I'll see too many Ward Cleaver  Romney cups. 

3) Election Day Should Be A Holiday

Want to get people to vote?  Make it a fucking event.  Americans are lazy, and don't have much sense of civic duty.  But you know what they love? Days off and free donuts.  They like sales.  So make Election Day a holiday, give the people a free donut with every ballot, and, with proof of your vote, you can get 3-5 percent off some bullshit purchase at any store.  Then, lets have election results parties with more donuts.  I don't know the answer exactly, but people love to feel a part of something bigger than them.  So, lets give them that.

2) Did you know that if you DON'T vote in Australia, you get FINED?

Yes, FINED! Can you imagine if this law were suddenly implemented in America?  Egads, oh how the moronic would riot instead of just, ya know, voting.  Then again, when I see the reasons why some people vote for the candidate they do,I have to shake my head.  It's amazing how we just accept the misinformation out there.  Then again, maybe I shouldn't judge others considering I didn't realize I was wearing my t-shirt inside out until I got to work, which was a couple of hours after I originally put it on. 

1) I love Election Day

Once every 2 years (4 really, lots of people dont give a shit about the midterms), we actually get to stand in line and feel like we have a loud voice among 300 million people.  And not in the unimportant form of a Facebook status update or tweet.  And, yes, your vote does matter.  Even if your presidential vote gets swallowed by sheer numbers (and, with the electoral college, it's easy to think your vote doesn't really count), you're still voting for state representatives and senators.  And by doing so, you're giving local people a real voice, not only in your community, not only in the country, but on the world stage.  It's these people  who often become presidents, speakers of the house, senate majority leaders, and what not...So take your localized elections (whether federal or state) seriously, because if you don't...we end up with people like...

...in our government. And that's just not good for anyone.

Top 5 WORST Halloween Candies

Now that Halloween is over, it's time for kids to dump out their plastic jack-o-lanterns or candy bags and review their haul.  Though I do long for the days of trick or treating, I also miss handing out candy, as my current apartment sits behind a gate and gets no visitors.  Everyone loves happy children, right?

Now, handing out candy is a bit of an artform. And, back in the day, I knew the game.  You need to give the kids something memorable. Something dense. Something high caloric.  In fact, one year, I gave out pizza.  Yeah, that's right. Pizza.  Now, it was a limited time offer, but let me tell you something.  Some happy little ghouls and ghosts walked away from my house that night.  And word spread around town.  Later that evening, kids came by, and when I'd offer the normal assortment of candy (which was a fantastic mix of things like Milky Ways and 3 Musketeers), they'd happily accept my chocolate, but then would look over their shoulder, lean in, and whisper "yo, I heard you were givin' out pizza." Like it was weed.  The point of this whole story is I know what I'm talking about.  And if I ever live in a place where trick or treaters come by again, you better believe I'll be the guy giving out full candy bars.  There's nothing fun about fun-size.

But there are some people who just don't get it, so in honor of them, lets get to the TOP FIVE WORST HALLOWEEN CANDIES.


5) Goldenberg's Peanut Chews

I could be mistaken, but I don't think I've ever seen a Goldenberg's Peanut Chew outside of October 31st.  In fact, I think this candy, along with number 4 on this list, is only sold in bags called "Shitty Halloween Candy No One Wants."  Check for it somewhere in the discount section of your local Rite Aid.  Is there any child in the history of the world who has ever looked in your Halloween bowl and said, "A Goldenberg's Peanut Chew? I'm changing costumes so I can come back for more!"

Listen, and this comes from a member of the tribe, unless you're giving me those chocolate gold coins, get outta here with your Jew candy.

4) Mary Janes

This shit looks like its been sitting in the back of your grandmother's candy drawer since 1784.  Seriously, look at it. You think I want to eat this?  On Halloween, kids horde their candy like its gold, but they offer the Mary Jane to their parents.  And when Mom and Dad decline, they go straight to the trash.

3) An Empty Bowl

Listen, you lazy pain in the ass.  I know you're home.  I can hear your television. You can't greet a happy kid at the door?  You have to leave a bowl on your porch with a "take one" sign?  You know every neighborhood has some asshole kid who takes all of it, don't you? Leaving the rest of us with your empty bowl?  Well, guess what...

The sign says "take one!"  I ain't takin' an air molecule.  I was totally the punk kid who used to do this, and by the end of the night I'd have five rather sizable bowls shoved in my pillowcase.  Then I was stuck with your stupid ass bowls.  Next time, just answer the door.  It won't kill you.  Well, unless you give out...

2) Raisins

...then all bets are off.

Nature's candy!  Now, I get it, there's a lot of health nuts out there.  And I think that's great.  In fact, people may accuse me of being one of them from time to time.  But, c'mon on, this is Halloween.  It's one friggin' night.  Don't ruin it for kids with your preachy, healthy bullshit.  Just fill them up with calories for one evening, let them enjoy it.  They aren't your kids.  You don't have to eat the candy.  Plus, do you really want that beautiful tree on your front lawn covered in toilet paper?  Didn't think so.

1) Pennies

This is just un-American.  In fact, I'd rather eat a Milky Way with a razor blade inside it than get pennies.  Hell, I'd rather eat a poisoned Goldenberg's Peanut Chew then lug around your worthless spare change.  You know the only thing pennies are good for?  You take all the pennies you've accumulated throughout the evening, put em in a sock, and beat the hell out of everyone who gave you them with it the following Halloween.   I'd rather you just didn't answer the door.  What's next?  Empty cans I can recycle?

Actually, there was only ONE time in my Halloween history when I was relieved I got pennies.  My buddy and I approached this house we'd never visited, and some ancient, strange woman opened the door and seemed genuinely surprised that we were there.  She pointed at us and was all "ahhh, I'll go getcha something," complete with a wink.  Like a witch might do in a fairy tale, right?  She disappeared for a minute and suddenly we heard some God awful "AAAYAYAYYAAAHHHHHHHH" in the distance.  Then a loud THUD.  My friend and I had NO clue what was coming next, but we agreed that whatever she may give us would go straight to the trash.  But she actually came back with a handful of pennies.

There ya have it, my two cents :D

Top Five Thoughts About Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane!  

Cue that Bob Dylan song!

Growing up in New York, my experience with hurricanes is pretty limited, save for the furious Hurricane Gloria in the mid-80's.  But, if I recall correctly, my brother and I played outside in that, so I guess it couldn't have been too bad.  I do remember school being cancelled though.  So...hooray! Then a buddy of mine got married in one in Florida once and...whatever, who cares.

TOP FIVE THINGS TO LIKE ABOUT HURRICANE SANDY (condolences to the people who died)

5) This Video:

I hope no one got hurt during this explosion, but it makes for a good YouTube video.  Bright lights...whoooaa...

4) This article about 7 fake Sandy related pictures people are sharing on Social Media.

http://mashable.com/2012/10/29/fake-hurricane-sandy-photos/

I especially love the photoshopped still from The Day After Tomorrow.  Well done.  Ahh, people.  They are good for some things. 

3) Mitt Romney has to shut his mouth for a few days

Sandy hits.  President Obama must do damage control, sign orders, assist FEMA, all that.  Normally, anything the President does, Romney is quick to criticize, but its not cool to criticize federal aid for disaster relief, though I'm sure he and his team considered attacking the President, but we all remember how that whole Libya situation worked out.  Furthermore, I think Romney once called federal aid "immoral," because, ya know, helping people is a bad thing.  I can't believe this Ward Cleaver twat might actually run this country.  But I digress...

2) This Picture

I'd have paid 5 bucks to see that happen.  Maybe 7.

1) I'm not in it. 

Between my Facebook feed, random emails, the news, and texts from my mother, I keep expecting to look out the window and see the effects of torrential downpours and gale force winds.  But I'm quickly reminded I live in Southern California and can enjoy 75 and Sunny.  Yeah, yeah, tell me to fuck off and all that.  I have to admit I do miss these kind of days in New York, because only New York can make such things into a memorable event...but then again...75 and Sunny.

Hate on.  No one forced you to live there :D

Top Five Questions Dogs Are Asked.

Having owned a dog, and knowing many other dog owners, I've heard the same questions posed over and over to our canine friends, but never once have I actually heard them answer. Stubborn fucks.  So, I decided to try to get to the bottom of the mystery with Harold.

Here's the TOP FIVE QUESTIONS HUMANS ASK DOGS THAT HAVE YET TO BE ANSWERED.

5) Are you a sleepy puppy? (or, in some cultures, phrased as "Who's a sleepy puppy?") You look like a sleepy puppy.  Are you a sleepy puppy?

4) Would you like a tummy rub? Would you? Would you?

3)  Would you like a treat?

2) Why are you barking? What's going on?  What are you barking at?  Why are you barking?

1) Who's a good boy?

Thrity seconds of your life you'll never get back. 

Have a good weekend.  

Top Five Things On My Mind

Been a really busy few days, but wanted to, at least, get some sort of verbal vomit on the page..screen..whatever.  Definitely some lists I want to create, and will so in the near future.  But until then...

THE TOP FIVE THINGS CURRENTLY ON MY MIND

5) When you admit you're wrong, and then blame witchcraft for the reason why, you're not admitting you're wrong. 

Jason Whitlock, a notorious, inflammatory sports writer, proclaimed Peyton Manning to be "toast" after watching him a few weeks ago, citing diminished arm strength.  Well considering Peyton's MVP performance as of late, Whitlock has had a change of heart. (go to 6). Great!  But... Apparently, Peyton's arm "magically" got stronger, and Whitlock is at a loss as to how it occurred.  What magic waters did he dip his right arm in!  Which of the Greek Gods lent him their strength!  HOW COULD THIS BE!  THE GREATEST MYSTERY EVAH!  OR maybe you were just wrong, and it wasn't so shit in the first place.  It's great that you can admit you're wrong (too many people don't), but playing the "nobody saw this coming" card still makes you a dick. 

4) Speaking Of Dicks:  Mitt Romney

Listen, Mitt Romney is not an idiot.  He's a smart, calculating dick.  Its been well documented that Romney flip-flops, but recently it's gotten out of hand.  I don't know if he and his team read a bunch of polls and just adopt the popular opinion in preparation for debates, but his recent flip-flop on his Afghanistan plan was eye-opening.  Even worse, when the President challenged him on the change of heart, he denied that he'd ever thought any differently, despite the plethora of speeches he gave claiming the contrary.  When you're dealing with the lives of 60k+ soldiers, don't dick around for the sake of political gain, you dick.  But, as I said, he's not dumb.  He knows most casual debate watchers won't fact check him the next day.  Anyone going to CNN, MSNBC, or FOXNEWS for post debate coverage is already planning to vote, and 99 percent of them have already decided who they'll cast their ballot for.  Romney's lies are aimed at the idiotic undecided who don't know any better. The ones who will go back to playing circus music in their head for the next few weeks.  He knows it, and he also knows it probably won't hurt him politically.  In other words, he's a dick.

3) Bad Piggies

The fuckers who made Angry Birds made yet another game I cannot get enough of.  How fun is it to build rickety contraptions?  Fun.  How fun is it to see them crash?  Fun!  How fun is it to use little rocket booster thingees?  Really fun.  How fun is it to taste sweet victory as you've successful transported your green pig to the goal spot?  So fun.  Goodbye productivity.

2) Donald Trump's YUUUUUGEEEEEE Announcement.

I wish this fucker would just choke on some of his money and die already.  His rumored YUUUUUUGGEEEEE announcement that will sink Obama is that, apparently, Michelle and Barack, at one point in time, had decided they would divorce.  OOOOHHHHH NOOOEEEESSSSS.  Go fuck yourself you old, blowhard asshole.  I'm gonna have to do a post on top 5 people I wish would die for the good of the country, the world, and society in general.  He'd be on it for sure.  What does it say about someone who has spent too much money and time with the sole purpose of sinking another person's career?  It makes you a SUPREME asshole.  And, in this case, probably a racist.  Go die. 

1) I don't have another thought.

I hope its a good day.