Wednesday, October 5, 2011

What October 1st-5th Means To Me: Fear of Failure

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog lately, though I've been busy, so I suppose I have a reason.  Its funny how paralyzed I can become when I'm thrown out of my daily routine.  Sometimes, instead of being productive or creative, I'd prefer to sit in front of my computer or television screen and do nothing as if all my problems, goals, and things-to-do are like a dog waiting to shit on the carpet.  If I do nothing but watch them from a distance, then nothing bad can happen, but if I engage in an activity that requires more than five minutes of effort, I might be misusing my time and, therefore, the world might end.  So, to avoid all that, I just sit and worry and, essentially, twiddle my thumbs.  Does this make sense?  Of course not.  But this is what I do. 

It's strange how much fear can overwhelm you to the point of paralysis.  I think fear was the major obstacle that hindered me as a writer when I first started to take it seriously as a possible career choice.  Even if I had great ideas and clever scenes in my head, I found myself procrastinating while simoltenously reassuring myself that it would be "genius" when I finally had time to write it down.  I finally realized that the reason I put it off for so long was because I was terrified it would never look as good on paper as it did in my head.  And as long as it existed as some nebulous possibility in the future, I was somewhat content (and, at first draft, its never as good as it is in your head...actually, probably final draft too).  So, I gladly put it off even if it was somewhat frustrating at the same time. 

The funny thing is I'm still not sure what I was (am) afraid of.  Sure, fear of failure is obvious, but what really does the failure lead to?  Homelessness?  I doubt it.  Loss of friendship?  Really doubt it. Impotence (maybe!) Are we afraid others will see us differently if we fail?  In my experience, people are entirely too self involved to care about someone else's failure unless that failure somehow effects them.  So, really, what the hell is there to fear?

But even though I'm aware that most of my fears are unfounded, it doesn't stop them from effecting me.  I suppose its always a process. 

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