Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Top 5 WORST Halloween Candies

Now that Halloween is over, it's time for kids to dump out their plastic jack-o-lanterns or candy bags and review their haul.  Though I do long for the days of trick or treating, I also miss handing out candy, as my current apartment sits behind a gate and gets no visitors.  Everyone loves happy children, right?

Now, handing out candy is a bit of an artform. And, back in the day, I knew the game.  You need to give the kids something memorable. Something dense. Something high caloric.  In fact, one year, I gave out pizza.  Yeah, that's right. Pizza.  Now, it was a limited time offer, but let me tell you something.  Some happy little ghouls and ghosts walked away from my house that night.  And word spread around town.  Later that evening, kids came by, and when I'd offer the normal assortment of candy (which was a fantastic mix of things like Milky Ways and 3 Musketeers), they'd happily accept my chocolate, but then would look over their shoulder, lean in, and whisper "yo, I heard you were givin' out pizza." Like it was weed.  The point of this whole story is I know what I'm talking about.  And if I ever live in a place where trick or treaters come by again, you better believe I'll be the guy giving out full candy bars.  There's nothing fun about fun-size.

But there are some people who just don't get it, so in honor of them, lets get to the TOP FIVE WORST HALLOWEEN CANDIES.

5) Goldenberg's Peanut Chews

I could be mistaken, but I don't think I've ever seen a Goldenberg's Peanut Chew outside of October 31st.  In fact, I think this candy, along with number 4 on this list, is only sold in bags called "Shitty Halloween Candy No One Wants."  Check for it somewhere in the discount section of your local Rite Aid.  Is there any child in the history of the world who has ever looked in your Halloween bowl and said, "A Goldenberg's Peanut Chew? I'm changing costumes so I can come back for more!"

Listen, and this comes from a member of the tribe, unless you're giving me those chocolate gold coins, get outta here with your Jew candy.

4) Mary Janes

This shit looks like its been sitting in the back of your grandmother's candy drawer since 1784.  Seriously, look at it. You think I want to eat this?  On Halloween, kids horde their candy like its gold, but they offer the Mary Jane to their parents.  And when Mom and Dad decline, they go straight to the trash.

3) An Empty Bowl

Listen, you lazy pain in the ass.  I know you're home.  I can hear your television. You can't greet a happy kid at the door?  You have to leave a bowl on your porch with a "take one" sign?  You know every neighborhood has some asshole kid who takes all of it, don't you? Leaving the rest of us with your empty bowl?  Well, guess what...

The sign says "take one!"  I ain't takin' an air molecule.  I was totally the punk kid who used to do this, and by the end of the night I'd have five rather sizable bowls shoved in my pillowcase.  Then I was stuck with your stupid ass bowls.  Next time, just answer the door.  It won't kill you.  Well, unless you give out...

2) Raisins

...then all bets are off.

Nature's candy!  Now, I get it, there's a lot of health nuts out there.  And I think that's great.  In fact, people may accuse me of being one of them from time to time.  But, c'mon on, this is Halloween.  It's one friggin' night.  Don't ruin it for kids with your preachy, healthy bullshit.  Just fill them up with calories for one evening, let them enjoy it.  They aren't your kids.  You don't have to eat the candy.  Plus, do you really want that beautiful tree on your front lawn covered in toilet paper?  Didn't think so.

1) Pennies

This is just un-American.  In fact, I'd rather eat a Milky Way with a razor blade inside it than get pennies.  Hell, I'd rather eat a poisoned Goldenberg's Peanut Chew then lug around your worthless spare change.  You know the only thing pennies are good for?  You take all the pennies you've accumulated throughout the evening, put em in a sock, and beat the hell out of everyone who gave you them with it the following Halloween.   I'd rather you just didn't answer the door.  What's next?  Empty cans I can recycle?

Actually, there was only ONE time in my Halloween history when I was relieved I got pennies.  My buddy and I approached this house we'd never visited, and some ancient, strange woman opened the door and seemed genuinely surprised that we were there.  She pointed at us and was all "ahhh, I'll go getcha something," complete with a wink.  Like a witch might do in a fairy tale, right?  She disappeared for a minute and suddenly we heard some God awful "AAAYAYAYYAAAHHHHHHHH" in the distance.  Then a loud THUD.  My friend and I had NO clue what was coming next, but we agreed that whatever she may give us would go straight to the trash.  But she actually came back with a handful of pennies.

There ya have it, my two cents :D

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Top Five Thoughts About Hurricane Sandy


Cue that Bob Dylan song!

Growing up in New York, my experience with hurricanes is pretty limited, save for the furious Hurricane Gloria in the mid-80's.  But, if I recall correctly, my brother and I played outside in that, so I guess it couldn't have been too bad.  I do remember school being cancelled though.  So...hooray! Then a buddy of mine got married in one in Florida once and...whatever, who cares.

TOP FIVE THINGS TO LIKE ABOUT HURRICANE SANDY (condolences to the people who died)

5) This Video:

I hope no one got hurt during this explosion, but it makes for a good YouTube video.  Bright lights...whoooaa...

4) This article about 7 fake Sandy related pictures people are sharing on Social Media.

I especially love the photoshopped still from The Day After Tomorrow.  Well done.  Ahh, people.  They are good for some things. 

3) Mitt Romney has to shut his mouth for a few days

Sandy hits.  President Obama must do damage control, sign orders, assist FEMA, all that.  Normally, anything the President does, Romney is quick to criticize, but its not cool to criticize federal aid for disaster relief, though I'm sure he and his team considered attacking the President, but we all remember how that whole Libya situation worked out.  Furthermore, I think Romney once called federal aid "immoral," because, ya know, helping people is a bad thing.  I can't believe this Ward Cleaver twat might actually run this country.  But I digress...

2) This Picture

I'd have paid 5 bucks to see that happen.  Maybe 7.

1) I'm not in it. 

Between my Facebook feed, random emails, the news, and texts from my mother, I keep expecting to look out the window and see the effects of torrential downpours and gale force winds.  But I'm quickly reminded I live in Southern California and can enjoy 75 and Sunny.  Yeah, yeah, tell me to fuck off and all that.  I have to admit I do miss these kind of days in New York, because only New York can make such things into a memorable event...but then again...75 and Sunny.

Hate on.  No one forced you to live there :D

Friday, October 26, 2012

Top Five Questions Dogs Are Asked.

Having owned a dog, and knowing many other dog owners, I've heard the same questions posed over and over to our canine friends, but never once have I actually heard them answer. Stubborn fucks.  So, I decided to try to get to the bottom of the mystery with Harold.


5) Are you a sleepy puppy? (or, in some cultures, phrased as "Who's a sleepy puppy?") You look like a sleepy puppy.  Are you a sleepy puppy?

4) Would you like a tummy rub? Would you? Would you?

3)  Would you like a treat?

2) Why are you barking? What's going on?  What are you barking at?  Why are you barking?

1) Who's a good boy?

Thrity seconds of your life you'll never get back. 

Have a good weekend.  

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Top Five Things On My Mind

Been a really busy few days, but wanted to, at least, get some sort of verbal vomit on the page..screen..whatever.  Definitely some lists I want to create, and will so in the near future.  But until then...


5) When you admit you're wrong, and then blame witchcraft for the reason why, you're not admitting you're wrong. 

Jason Whitlock, a notorious, inflammatory sports writer, proclaimed Peyton Manning to be "toast" after watching him a few weeks ago, citing diminished arm strength.  Well considering Peyton's MVP performance as of late, Whitlock has had a change of heart. (go to 6). Great!  But... Apparently, Peyton's arm "magically" got stronger, and Whitlock is at a loss as to how it occurred.  What magic waters did he dip his right arm in!  Which of the Greek Gods lent him their strength!  HOW COULD THIS BE!  THE GREATEST MYSTERY EVAH!  OR maybe you were just wrong, and it wasn't so shit in the first place.  It's great that you can admit you're wrong (too many people don't), but playing the "nobody saw this coming" card still makes you a dick. 

4) Speaking Of Dicks:  Mitt Romney

Listen, Mitt Romney is not an idiot.  He's a smart, calculating dick.  Its been well documented that Romney flip-flops, but recently it's gotten out of hand.  I don't know if he and his team read a bunch of polls and just adopt the popular opinion in preparation for debates, but his recent flip-flop on his Afghanistan plan was eye-opening.  Even worse, when the President challenged him on the change of heart, he denied that he'd ever thought any differently, despite the plethora of speeches he gave claiming the contrary.  When you're dealing with the lives of 60k+ soldiers, don't dick around for the sake of political gain, you dick.  But, as I said, he's not dumb.  He knows most casual debate watchers won't fact check him the next day.  Anyone going to CNN, MSNBC, or FOXNEWS for post debate coverage is already planning to vote, and 99 percent of them have already decided who they'll cast their ballot for.  Romney's lies are aimed at the idiotic undecided who don't know any better. The ones who will go back to playing circus music in their head for the next few weeks.  He knows it, and he also knows it probably won't hurt him politically.  In other words, he's a dick.

3) Bad Piggies

The fuckers who made Angry Birds made yet another game I cannot get enough of.  How fun is it to build rickety contraptions?  Fun.  How fun is it to see them crash?  Fun!  How fun is it to use little rocket booster thingees?  Really fun.  How fun is it to taste sweet victory as you've successful transported your green pig to the goal spot?  So fun.  Goodbye productivity.

2) Donald Trump's YUUUUUGEEEEEE Announcement.

I wish this fucker would just choke on some of his money and die already.  His rumored YUUUUUUGGEEEEE announcement that will sink Obama is that, apparently, Michelle and Barack, at one point in time, had decided they would divorce.  OOOOHHHHH NOOOEEEESSSSS.  Go fuck yourself you old, blowhard asshole.  I'm gonna have to do a post on top 5 people I wish would die for the good of the country, the world, and society in general.  He'd be on it for sure.  What does it say about someone who has spent too much money and time with the sole purpose of sinking another person's career?  It makes you a SUPREME asshole.  And, in this case, probably a racist.  Go die. 

1) I don't have another thought.

I hope its a good day. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

Top Five Best Things About Being Sick

I have a cold!

Achoo.  And yeah, it sucks.  Duh.

But even though I'd obviously prefer not to be sick, it does have some advantages.  So here's my TOP FIVE ADVANTAGES TO HAVING A BAD COLD.

5) It's An Excuse For Everything.

"Ah, I can't think straight.  Bad cold!"  "Oh man, I'm so tired, this cold is wrecking me."  "I've written such a shitty blog, fuckin' cold."  But seriously, if you're walking around sneezing and blowing your nose every few seconds, people generally have a little sympathy for you and don't expect you to operate at 100 percent.  I embrace this and totally use it as an excuse whenever I can. 

4) Discovering People's Cracked Home Remedies

When you're sick, everyone has a solution.  Some have the generic "have you taken vitamin C," while others fire back with "just drink some tea," as if that will do anything.  But then some others lean in close like they are about to share a classified, state secret, "you know what need to do.  Take a bath in rose pedals, then run naked through the streets with just your socks on, that's important, then eat a box of wheat thins, and the cold will be gone by morning. Trust me."   It ALWAYS ends with "trust me."
3) I Love To Sneeze.

There are few feelings in the world better than a good sneeze.  In fact, mine are so intense that I'm surprised I don't lift off the ground.  I first started getting allergies when I was about 18 or 19, and those were special days because I learned how to force a sneeze.  I think the first day I discovered this talent, I sneezed like 90 times in a row and spent the next 20 minutes lightheaded.  I guess sneezing is my drug of choice.

2) Nyquil

Is there anything better?  No. 

1) It Gets Me Out Of Going Out. 

I can be a natural loner, but I have been making more of an effort to do things out of the house if I'm invited.  That said, sometimes I literally have to drag myself through the door, and then try my best to keep a positive attitude when all I wanna do is sit on the couch.  So if I get sick and it gives me a GOOD excuse to do nothing?  Well, that I embrace.  Like a couple of years ago, I had a bad cold on Halloween.  Nothing made me happier because I had a legit excuse to skip the socially annoying holiday.  And, listen, I know no one cares whether I do something or not.  It's not about that.  It's so I don't have this inner conflict with myself about whether or not to go out.  If I have a bad cold, I get to skip the mental tug of war.  The cold is the trump card.

It's a good question.  Have a good weekend. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Top Five (QUICK) Thoughts From Last Night's Presidential Debate

My thoughts?

No...not racist puppets.  But these two came out fighting. 

A much different debate than the one two weeks ago.  Either the town hall style better suited the President, or he took the previous ass kicking to heart.  He was more eloquent, concise, and kept the dumb "ummms" and "ahhhs" to a minimum. Regardless, as I said last time, I don't know how much debates matter (probably not a ton), but the President returned with a, well, presidential performance.


5) Binders Full Of Women

While discussing the diversity of his Massachusetts cabinet, Mitt Romney claimed he searched through "binders full of women" while looking for qualified female candidates. BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN! *Oops.* Within an hour, a Facebook group called "binders full of women" had about 100k likes, and the strange quote was heavily trending on Twitter.  Mitt had gained ground with women after the last debate, but failed miserably on the question of equal rights for women tonight.  When he was challenged on his stance, he used the anecdotal "binders full of women" speech that was an insensitive non-answer to the question.  Horrible soundbyte.

I find it funny that a Mormon, someone whose religion is, fairly or unfairly, associated with polygamy, would have a BINDER FULL OF WOMEN!  Anyway...

4) "You Are The Last Person To Get Tough On China"

I hope I'm remembering that quote right, but that's an example of how the President debated tonight.  When Romney claimed he'd get tough on China with sanctions, Obama fired back with that quote and Bain Capital's history of outsourcing American jobs to countries like China. I don't know that his performance will reverse the Romney momentum, but he stood tall on his record and withstood Romney's attacks, which was a 180 from the first debate.  (also, for what it's worth, I doubt either will get that tough on China).

But having said that, I find Romney to be a very effective debater.  He's incredibly solid when attacking the Obama economy (he has you convinced America is one job loss away from being a flea market), and he also has a knack for pulling out convincing, specific statistics and studies (whether true or not) when he goes second.  He knows Obama won't be able to attack his points in the current debate format, and uses the fact that the last point made is often the most memorable (which is why its weird he opened himself up to the 47 percent question at the end of the debate).   But, in general, he's better at this than the President.

3) Immigration

Didn't anyone tell Mitt not to piss off the Latinos?  On the subject of immigration, Romney spent the entire time opposing Obama's DREAM act, without proposing any sort of reasonable alternative.  He needs the Latino vote in Nevada and Colorado, and didn't do much to endear himself to them.

2)  Taxes

The Zack Morris promise was back tonight (TVs in every classroom and cheerleaders in every locker!), as Mitt waxed poetically about lower rates without increasing the deficit.  When the President challenged him on the fuzzy math of his tax plan (there are NO ways the numbers add up), all he could say was, essentially, "trust me."   When the moderator asked him to elaborate, he assured the nation that it would add up.  And he sounded like an asshole when he said it.  When numerous independent studies claim otherwise, and after the President's explanations of how it would add trillions to the deficit, Mitt refused to mention anything that resembled a specific.  He had a chance to explain himself, and instead got flustered and resorted to a defensive stance that made him seem like an elitist.  Like that smug boss who wears that "this dick won't suck itself" face all day long.

1)  Benghazi and the "Act Of Terror."

This will be the moment people remember most about this debate.  During the utterly pointless argument of whether or not the President denounced the assassination of the Libyan ambassador on the night of the attack, Romney smugly stuck out his chin and definitively claimed Obama never uttered the phrase "act of terror" during his rose garden speech. Unfortunately for Mitt, not only did the President defend himself by telling him to "check the transcript", but the moderator actually corrected his false claim on the spot.  It's not often lies (or misconceptions) are called out live during debates, but it happened here.  Absolut Embarrass. Even irrational right wing morons like SE Cupp claimed that was a misstep for Romney, and irrational right wing morons like SE Cupp generally never admit to such things.

There ya have my pointless two cents.   But as I mentioned before, I assume this election was decided weeks ago in favor of either candidate.  This country is so divided, I don't believe there's all that much middle ground.  And, because of it, you won't see a shit ton of change no matter who wins.

Monday, October 15, 2012

My Top Five Dream Jobs

America's pastime isn't baseball. No. It's complaining about your job. Everybody does it.  Even if the person likes their job.  It's like something within our DNA forces us to whine about our jobs during idle conversation. Maybe it's just a way for us to bond.

But then, sometimes, we follow the whinge with some "grass is greener" scenario that suggests a job that better fits our skill set would make us "happier."    Like "man, if I only had a job where I worked outside.  That'd be the life."  Or "man, if I only had a job where I sat on my fat ass all day and watched TV while someone rubbed my shoulders. I'd be so good at that."

Well, I'm no better than anyone else, so here are my TOP FIVE DREAM JOBS!

5) Beach Lifeguard (yeah, like Baywatch).

Why this would be a dream job: I love to sit and look at the ocean.  I find it very peaceful.
Why this wouldn't work: I can't swim.

I'm one of those people that finds comfort in the depth of nature, even if I'm more of a city kid and don't love things like camping...or even going to the beach actually.  But the idea of sitting in a lifeguard tower, relaxing in the sun, and watching the ocean all day sounds therapeutic and appealing.  Unfortunately, in this line of work, thousands of people count on you to ensure their safety. And no one should count on me for anything, let alone their lives.  I've always been shit under pressure.  And I'm kinda lazy. Yeah.  So, if I was on the job, this would probably be the likely scenario if tragedy ever struck:

Next time, don't swim out so far.  OK, maybe I should scratch this one off the list.

4) Ice Cream Shop Owner

Why This Would Be A Dream Job:  Who's every angry at an Ice Cream Parlor?
Why This Wouldn't Work:  I have zero business acumen and would probably forget to, ya know, order things.  Plus, it's not 1950 anymore.  How many of these actually exist?
Another Reason It Would Be A Dream Job: I could wear a paper hat.
Another Reason Why This Wouldn't Work:  I'd eat all the ice cream.

But I'd have the best flavor names around!

"Sir, this was really good. Can I get a pint of the Cookies n Cream...In You Pants *Hey Oh* to go for my wife?  Oh, you're out? Hmmm, how about the Mango(fuckyourself) sherbet?

3) The Guy Who Writes English Signs For Foreign Countries.

Why This Would Be A Dream Job: Seems easy.  I'd get to work from home.  It'd require zero thought and/or effort. And maybe I could *eee* travel every so often to, ya know, get entertained by the clients. 
Why This Wouldn't Work: I don't think this job exists.

I know we've all seen the funny English signs in China, we've all had our lulz.


But even throughout numerous European countries, there are signs meant for English tourists that are just a bit off.  For example, and I'm making this up, instead of a hotel sign that says "We offer dry cleaning. Please request at the front desk."  It might say, "The dry cleaning of clothes is done with pleasure and care if you will leave it at the front desk." Kind fucked, right?  That's where I'd come in.  I won't translate your signs from other languages, I'm too stupid and uncultured for that. But just take your best shot at English, and I'll quickly write copy that makes perfect sense to English speaking travelers.  I assume good English is comforting to American tourists, and attention to this detail could only help word of mouth.  Though I'm lost on how to change the above sign.  Egads.

2)  The Host Of "The Amazing Race."

Why This Would Be A Dream Job:  Duh.
Why This Wouldn't Work: I don't think I'm a bad looking guy, but if you had to compare me to someone, and your only choices were Brad Pitt and a troll, you'd probably pick the troll.

This is arguably the coolest job on Earth.  You get numerous free, around the world trips (twice a year actually), and you literally do nothing but talk to people for a few minutes, and pretend to give a shit about what they just went through.  I have personality, I have zest.  I could kill at this job.  Plus, I'd add a little something extra.  When teams check in at the pit stop, I'll say, "Jen and Chris.  You are team number 2!" Then...

Every time to every team.  My little wrinkle.

1) The Last Guy On The Bench For The Knicks

Why This Would Be A Dream Job: Travel the country, get courtside seats to EVERY game, all while getting paid six figures to do it?  Count me in.  I bet it'd even get me laid.
Why This Wouldn't Work:  Ummm, can't think of a reason.

In 1989, the Knicks had a player named Greg Butler.

There he is.
Greg was the last guy off the bench. And the only white guy on the entire team.  He'd NEVER play unless the game was completely out of hand.  But the Knicks fans LOVED him, even though they treated him as if he was a half retarded kid with a back brace, instead of, ya know, one of the top 250 basketball players in the world.  If the Knicks were up by 15 with two minutes left, the "WE WANT BUTLER" chants would rain from the Garden faithful.  When he got off the bench and stripped his warm-ups, it was like the Fourth of July.  And if he scored?  You can only imagine.   Greg Butler was the ultimate novelty.

Now, New York is known for lots of things:  The Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, great pizza, the list goes on and on.  But New York is also known for something else:  its plethora of short Jewish men with less than marginal athletic ability.

And this is where I step in.  Lets make a checklist.

1) Basketball is supposed to be entertaining.
2) The last guy on the bench never plays. All he does is wave a towel and slap hands.  
3) The crowd always loves the last guy on the bench.  They can't get enough of an underdog
4) If you had to compare my basketball skill to one of two things, an NBA player or someone with no limbs, it'd definitely be someone with no limbs. In other words, THE ULTIMATE UNDERDOG.  
5) The Jews need their Jeremy Lin.

So let me be Jeremy Linowitz.

You're telling me the New York faithful wouldn't kill to see a 5'7, 140 pound Jew walk on the court when the game is long out of reach?  Please, they'd chant my name from the rafters starting in the first quarter.  When I'd strip off my warm ups, the crowd would go ballistic.  And you know those promotions that some teams run that gives the crowd free pizza if the home team scores 125 points in a win?  They'd do that every time I hit a three pointer.  And, soon, they'd call me this.

Hell, I'd even wear a yarmulke if I had hair to attach it to.  I'm probably a joke half the time anyway, I might as well get paid for it.

And there are your Monday thoughts!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Top Five Reasons This Actor Should Be President

We're in the midst of debate season, and everyone's got politics on the brain.  But it seems like every four years, America renews a tradition of having strong opinions about the candidates, while simultaneously distrusting them, and wishing there was someone else they could throw their support behind. Well, during last night's debate, VP hopeful Paul Ryan mentioned he thought there were many fine people in this country capable of being President of the United States.  And though we don't agree on much, we agree on that. So, if I may, I'd like to suggest one:

This Guy.
Ben Whofleck?  Ben Affleck.  For years I half-joked that there should be an Affleck/Damon ticket in 2024, after all, the idea of an actor as President isn't exactly far-fetched (hello Ronald Reagan).  And why not Ben Affleck?  He's smart, he's well spoken, he has conviction and charisma, and c'mon, the man's handsome!  If he was on the campaign trail, women would toss their babies aside so they could kiss the candidate.  And, yes, America ditched him in 2003, but baby, he's just directed an apparent Oscar shoe-in. His third critically acclaimed flick in a row. He's back.


5) Foreign Policy? He's Already Saved The World.

In the Summer of 1998, the world faced a sudden crisis that threatened our entire existence.  With only 18 days notice, NASA scientists discovered a Texas-sized asteroid on a collision course with Earth, and they didn't have a reasonable plan to destroy it. After a fragment of the large projectile entered the atmosphere, and destroyed the Chinese city of Shanghai, the American government called upon an unexpected bunch of heroes ripe for the challenge.

Obviously, they succeeded.  And, miraculously, this was all caught on tape.  What a campaign commercial this would make.

4) That Faccia

Stop it.

Considering his acting background, we know Ben can deliver a speech.  We know he would shine in a debate format.  But would he be a good negotiator with world leaders?  Would he be able to get, for example, Vladimir Putin to see eye to eye with him?  C'mon, look at him!  Who's really gonna say "no" to him?

3) Apparently, He's Really Good At Poker

Here's a little fact about Ben Affleck:  In 2004, he WON the California State Poker Championship.  Won it! Where the hell does someone as busy as Ben find the time?  Hello, multi-tasker! I'd like to think he's just a gifted son-of-a-bitch.  Like one of those professional athletes that can also play classical piano. And I'm sitting here in my living trying to think of one thing I'm decent at.  Anyway, poker players are keen at picking up on bullshit, and also doling it out.  And what says politics more than someone who knows their way around bullshit?!

2) He's A Wizard


1) Things Like This Exist

It's not secret that many pick their professions to feed their ego.  While some politicians truly have their community at heart, it's obvious that others stay in politics because they like the attention, and its another way to step into the limelight (especially nerds!)  So I do take pause when famous actors partake in political causes because, of all people, they don't need the attention and, if anything, it takes them away from the public admiration because Americans are as allergic to politics as they are rattlesnake bites. In fact, many roll their eyes when they listen to celebrities talk about their political causes while adopting this "you think you're better than me?" mentality.  It suggests, to me, that said celebrities actually care about their causes. 

But Ben has often stuck his foot into the political arena, in fact, many people I speak to are shocked when I mention how thoughtful and smart he is on political shows such as "Real Time With Bill Maher." He holds his own. He seems to have the true populist passion that this country currently desires (and needs), and has had enough experience within a cutthroat world to transition into politics.  Also, if you've seen his past two movies (and, at least, read the reviews of his latest), you know he's a smart guy with an interest in American history, both political and otherwise.  Can you imagine George Bush effectively pulling off a movie like Argo?  Of course not.  He's a moron.  

So, is Ben Affleck truly qualified to become President?  No.  But either is Mitt Romney, or tons of other candidates that have come before him. The job is too unique.  In fact, there are only two eligible people on this entire Earth who are truly qualified to run the United States, and that's Barack Obama and Bush Sr. because they've actually had the job in the past, and still have a term left. 

So, let Ben learn on the job!  Let him flex the political muscle.  

Am I kidding?  I don't even know anymore.  Regardless, looking forward to Argo this weekend!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Top Five Foods I Hate Seeing Left Over On People's Plates

I like to eat. 

A lot. 

But it has always been a goal of mine to still be able to see my wiener when I'm fifty. A worthy one, I think. And one that requires I never get a huge gut. So, in the name of not being a fat shit, I have to work out regularly and watch what I eat.  Individually, those two things aren't bad, but when you consider that working out increases your appetite, you really start to appreciate food.  And when you appreciate food, you become hyper aware of it.  And when you become hyper aware of it, you notice what other people are eating.  And when you notice what other people are eating, and you're always hungry, you get pissed off when you see strangers' leftovers, because you can't remember the last time you actually hadn't finished what was in front of you.  True story.


5) Broccoli

Or as Newman from Seinfeld called it, "the vile weed."   But I like broccoli, and don't get why people can't finish it.  Its not like a restaurant ever puts a ton of broccoli on your plate.  It's a side!  There's like 8 florets tops, and they usually throw some kind of oil on them anyway to entice you.  You can't finish that? 8 FLORETS? 

4) Pizza Crust

Hey guess what.  If you already ate the entire pizza, you really think the crust is the thing keeping those love handles in tact?  Pizza is one of the great treasures on this Earth.  Even bad pizza isn't so bad.  So if youre going to indulge in pizza, fucking eat the goddamn crust.  Too plain?  Get a dipping sauce and enjoy.

3) Cheesecake

If it were socially acceptable to make love to God this post is making me hungry.  If I had one wish on this Earth, it wouldn't be to fly, it would be to make cheesecake healthy.  And now I officially sound like a woman. 

2) The After Dinner Chocolate Mint

Not every place serves it, in fact, most don't.  But why the hell wouldn't you eat these?  To save 30 calories?  Now you're just offending me.  You'll burn that off on the walk back to the car. 

1) Sweet Potato Fries

Oh, how I want to jump into that basket and bathe in you.

My kryptonite.  Why get regular fries when you can order their tastier, orange friend?  And here's a little secret about me:  these are the only leftovers I've ever asked a stranger for.  Yes, I was that guy.  A bum.  Want to see a genuinely confused reaction? Ask a person for their leftovers at a restaurant, and then wait till they realize you're not the busboy. You could probably get me to do a lot of shit I don't wanna do if you offered me Sweet Potato Fries. 

If they only came in Floret form. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Top Five High Score Initials For An Arcade Game

I'm probably dating myself a bit, but do you remember playing a stand-up arcade game, having a great round, and then being prompted to enter three initials to denote your score and save it for posterity? It was a source of pride, right?  Well, not always.  Sure, it was proper to just enter your actual three initials, but of course, when you're ten years old, what fun is that?...which leads me to...


5) "AAA"

Because sometimes you are just lazy and don't care.  There were no QWERTY keyboards on "Pacman" or "PunchOut," so who really had the time to toggle through the letters until you found the ones that matched your initials?  So, often times, we'd just skip this entirely and quickly pump a few more quarters into the machine to start again.  Plus, I wanna say that AAA was probably the most popular initial set on all arcade games, which means there were lots of lazy kids in the United States, or a ton of people named Adam Abraham Adelman.


When you're ten...let's see...You can't drive, you're too young to drink and do drugs, you live in the suburbs, you're killing time till your showing of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starts, and your life really isn't all too you rebel by typing "FUK" into the high score list.  Yeah, that'll show them.


When I was a young teen, my orthodontist had an arcade version of Asteroids, and if I recall correctly, Donald Ira Kramer was really good at it.


This one was always typed while constantly looking over both shoulders to make sure no one was watching.  Then, once inputted, you ran away from the machine to grab a friend, and waited, not so patiently (Dude, just wait! just wait! It's coming.) for the high score list to re-appear so you can all laugh and pat each other on the back for a job well done.  Then, maybe, wait for a stranger to use the machine so they could notice your comic genius too?  Lulz ahoy. 


Never fails.  Always and forever.  The funniest and/or saddest part about the above is that it's a screengrab from a Youtube video for Big Sean's Dance (Ass).  If we have a song like that, shouldn't ASS: THE MOVIE, as made famous by Mike Judge's "Idiocracy" be close behind (pun!)  Either way, still my favorite name to put on a high score list, and I'm sure if I came across a Pacman machine today, I'd do my best to avoid those colorful ghosts just so I could type "ASS" into the high score list one more time.  Like a cowboy riding into the sunset.

Have a good Monday. 

Friday, October 5, 2012

Top Five Euro Spots You Might Want To Avoid

Before I get into this latest top (or bottom) five, I'd like to say that I really don't HATE any of the below.  I'm just not particularly crazy about them, and would advise against seeing them if asked.  Then again, I'm an asshole, and what do I know?  If you were planning on going to one of the below, go right ahead, any of them would beat sitting in a cubicle for nine hours a day/ five days a week.

OK, so now that the disclaimer has been stated, lets hit some of the less exciting places in Europe that you may want to skip.

5) Malmo, Sweden

This picture makes it look tons awesomer than it actually is. 

First off, let's get something straight.  I have nothing against Malmo. In fact, I like Malmo. It's a quaint, little city. It has a very nice town square, and an old area (Lilla Torg, above) that can only be described as charming. It has some nice cafes I enjoyed.  Hell, I'd name my dog Malmo (C'mere Malmo!).

Now, having said all that, there's no fucking reason to go to Malmo.  I know why people choose to visit there; it's just a stone's throw from Copenhagen, and acts as a distraction for people who made their Denmark vacation a day too long.  I'm sure 98 percent of Malmo's tourism is based on the fact that people can travel 20 minutes from Copenhagen and cross Sweden off their "countries visited" list.  But, sorry, claiming you've been to Sweden, only to reveal that you just spent an afternoon in Malmo, is like saying you slept with Kate Upton when all you did was rub one out to her Sports Illustrated cover. When it comes to Swedish cities, its either Stockholm, Gothenburg, or get the fuck out. 

4) Christiania (Copenhagen, Denmark)

Interested to see how a village might run itself in a post-apocalyptic society?  Well, then you may want to visit Christiania. This self-proclaimed, autonomous area of Copenhagen is situated in an old military complex, has no roads fit for automobiles, and is obscured from the surrounding area by a wall and trees.  On the inside?  Dilapidated buildings, artwork, rubble, cannabis, crafts, bad graffiti, good graffiti, weird smells, mud, dirt, body hair, and inhabitants that seem wary of visitors, and aren't afraid to tell you about it.  On my one visit, just a quick walk through the dirt clod produced several middle fingers, and a few other probing questions about why I was there.  The town exists by its own rules, the police seem to ignore it, I believe it even has its own currency (though the Danish kroner is accepted), and while a simple description of the small area does sound appealing for a visit, you might walk out of there feeling more uneasy than when you stepped in.  And I'd like to think I'm a pretty tolerant person. 

3) The Bone Church (Kutna Hora, Czech Republic)

After my first trip to the Czech Republic, a few friends chastized me for not taking the 90 minute train ride from Prague, to the tiny town of Kutna Hora, to see the unforgettable bone church, which is, well, a church full of sculptures made from 50,000 human bones (or the bones from 50,000 people, I can't remember, whatever). "Breathtaking!" they said.  "A once in a lifetime attraction," they gushed. "OMG!" they agreed. Well, on my second go round in Czech, my friend and I made a point to see the storied church, but upon leaving, both of us thought ... "eh, kinda shit."  It's not that the church isn't interesting.  If nothing else, it's certainly unique and creepy.  If it were in old town Prague, it would be a must see.  It's just not worth a stuffy 90 minute + train ride in a car that probably doesn't have AC.  Plus, the church is literally one small room full of bones that smells horrible. Like your grandma's old musty basement.  In fact, I got nauseous fairly quickly.  Plus, what else is there to do in Kutna Hora?  NOTHING.  Even the adjacent ice cream store sucked, unless you call a teaspoon of crappy gelato atop a cone a satisfying snack. I don't. I doubt you do either.  Maybe 100,000 people needed to die for my benefit. It would, at least, have kept me at this questionable tourist attraction for more than 3 minutes. 

2) Pisa - the leaning tower, all that shit (Pisa, Tuscany, Italy)

I don't need to regurgitate.  Just click here to relive my thoughts on this tourist trap.

1) Charles de Gualle Airport (Paris, France) 

Or what I like to call...the seventh lair of hell.  And this coming from a guy who loves the airport so much, he often gets jealous while watching that crappy Tom Hanks movie where he gets stuck in the airport for a month or a year or whatever. 

Sure, de Gualle airport is not a tourist attraction, but unless you want to know what it feels like to be herded like cattle in tight spaces, you should avoid this hellhole at all costs.  Now, Paris is one of the most beautiful and storied cities in all of Europe, hell, all of the world, but the airport there is just shit.  Now, I've only been there once, but the experience involved an overcrowded busride from the plane to the gate (and the bus actually almost tipped over at one point), a horridly unpleasant customs instance, and the best part?  When I got funnelled into an overcrowded gate area with hundreds of other Europeans who didn't seem to understand the concept of a shower.  It was kind of like being at the front of the stage during a rock concert, except nobody was playing music, no one was having fun, and you were told it might last forever.

But, of course, this is all just my opinion.  If you want to see any of these places (well, except the airport), don't let me discourage you.  But, well, consider yourself warned.