Now that Halloween is over, it's time for kids to dump out their plastic jack-o-lanterns or candy bags and review their haul. Though I do long for the days of trick or treating, I also miss handing out candy, as my current apartment sits behind a gate and gets no visitors. Everyone loves happy children, right?
Now, handing out candy is a bit of an artform. And, back in the day, I knew the game. You need to give the kids something memorable. Something dense. Something high caloric. In fact, one year, I gave out pizza. Yeah, that's right. Pizza. Now, it was a limited time offer, but let me tell you something. Some happy little ghouls and ghosts walked away from my house that night. And word spread around town. Later that evening, kids came by, and when I'd offer the normal assortment of candy (which was a fantastic mix of things like Milky Ways and 3 Musketeers), they'd happily accept my chocolate, but then would look over their shoulder, lean in, and whisper "yo, I heard you were givin' out pizza." Like it was weed. The point of this whole story is I know what I'm talking about. And if I ever live in a place where trick or treaters come by again, you better believe I'll be the guy giving out full candy bars. There's nothing fun about fun-size.
But there are some people who just don't get it, so in honor of them, lets get to the TOP FIVE WORST HALLOWEEN CANDIES.
5) Goldenberg's Peanut Chews
I could be mistaken, but I don't think I've ever seen a Goldenberg's Peanut Chew outside of October 31st. In fact, I think this candy, along with number 4 on this list, is only sold in bags called "Shitty Halloween Candy No One Wants." Check for it somewhere in the discount section of your local Rite Aid. Is there any child in the history of the world who has ever looked in your Halloween bowl and said, "A Goldenberg's Peanut Chew? I'm changing costumes so I can come back for more!"
Listen, and this comes from a member of the tribe, unless you're giving me those chocolate gold coins, get outta here with your Jew candy.
4) Mary Janes
This shit looks like its been sitting in the back of your grandmother's candy drawer since 1784. Seriously, look at it. You think I want to eat this? On Halloween, kids horde their candy like its gold, but they offer the Mary Jane to their parents. And when Mom and Dad decline, they go straight to the trash.
3) An Empty Bowl
Listen, you lazy pain in the ass. I know you're home. I can hear your television. You can't greet a happy kid at the door? You have to leave a bowl on your porch with a "take one" sign? You know every neighborhood has some asshole kid who takes all of it, don't you? Leaving the rest of us with your empty bowl? Well, guess what...
The sign says "take one!" I ain't takin' an air molecule. I was totally the punk kid who used to do this, and by the end of the night I'd have five rather sizable bowls shoved in my pillowcase. Then I was stuck with your stupid ass bowls. Next time, just answer the door. It won't kill you. Well, unless you give out...
...then all bets are off.
Nature's candy! Now, I get it, there's a lot of health nuts out there. And I think that's great. In fact, people may accuse me of being one of them from time to time. But, c'mon on, this is Halloween. It's one friggin' night. Don't ruin it for kids with your preachy, healthy bullshit. Just fill them up with calories for one evening, let them enjoy it. They aren't your kids. You don't have to eat the candy. Plus, do you really want that beautiful tree on your front lawn covered in toilet paper? Didn't think so.
This is just un-American. In fact, I'd rather eat a Milky Way with a razor blade inside it than get pennies. Hell, I'd rather eat a poisoned Goldenberg's Peanut Chew then lug around your worthless spare change. You know the only thing pennies are good for? You take all the pennies you've accumulated throughout the evening, put em in a sock, and beat the hell out of everyone who gave you them with it the following Halloween. I'd rather you just didn't answer the door. What's next? Empty cans I can recycle?
Actually, there was only ONE time in my Halloween history when I was relieved I got pennies. My buddy and I approached this house we'd never visited, and some ancient, strange woman opened the door and seemed genuinely surprised that we were there. She pointed at us and was all "ahhh, I'll go getcha something," complete with a wink. Like a witch might do in a fairy tale, right? She disappeared for a minute and suddenly we heard some God awful "AAAYAYAYYAAAHHHHHHHH" in the distance. Then a loud THUD. My friend and I had NO clue what was coming next, but we agreed that whatever she may give us would go straight to the trash. But she actually came back with a handful of pennies.
There ya have it, my two cents :D