I like to eat.
But it has always been a goal of mine to still be able to see my wiener when I'm fifty. A worthy one, I think. And one that requires I never get a huge gut. So, in the name of not being a fat shit, I have to work out regularly and watch what I eat. Individually, those two things aren't bad, but when you consider that working out increases your appetite, you really start to appreciate food. And when you appreciate food, you become hyper aware of it. And when you become hyper aware of it, you notice what other people are eating. And when you notice what other people are eating, and you're always hungry, you get pissed off when you see strangers' leftovers, because you can't remember the last time you actually hadn't finished what was in front of you. True story.
So here's the TOP FIVE FOODS I HATE SEEING LEFT OVER ON STRANGERS' PLATES.
Or as Newman from Seinfeld called it, "the vile weed." But I like broccoli, and don't get why people can't finish it. Its not like a restaurant ever puts a ton of broccoli on your plate. It's a side! There's like 8 florets tops, and they usually throw some kind of oil on them anyway to entice you. You can't finish that? 8 FLORETS?
4) Pizza Crust
Hey guess what. If you already ate the entire pizza, you really think the crust is the thing keeping those love handles in tact? Pizza is one of the great treasures on this Earth. Even bad pizza isn't so bad. So if youre going to indulge in pizza, fucking eat the goddamn crust. Too plain? Get a dipping sauce and enjoy.
If it were socially acceptable to make love to food....hmmmm...my God this post is making me hungry. If I had one wish on this Earth, it wouldn't be to fly, it would be to make cheesecake healthy. And now I officially sound like a woman.
2) The After Dinner Chocolate Mint
Not every place serves it, in fact, most don't. But why the hell wouldn't you eat these? To save 30 calories? Now you're just offending me. You'll burn that off on the walk back to the car.
1) Sweet Potato Fries
Oh, how I want to jump into that basket and bathe in you.
My kryptonite. Why get regular fries when you can order their tastier, orange friend? And here's a little secret about me: these are the only leftovers I've ever asked a stranger for. Yes, I was that guy. A bum. Want to see a genuinely confused reaction? Ask a person for their leftovers at a restaurant, and then wait till they realize you're not the busboy. You could probably get me to do a lot of shit I don't wanna do if you offered me Sweet Potato Fries.
If they only came in Floret form.