Friday, February 3, 2012

What February 3rd Means To Me: Helping Friends Cause Trouble

The unemployment rate is down to 8.3 percent!  Which, all things considered, is decent news for many, but unfortunately, not for all. 

My friend recently discovered that he will be laid off in the coming months, and feels a bit slighted by his co-workers.  Because he's angry and wants some sort of payback, he was trying to devise ways to be oddly annoying without committing a fireable offense because, of course, he doesn't want to lose what he hopes will be a decent severance package.  Fair enough!  And just the type of thing I love. 

So, with the help of my friends Aram and Godofredo,  here are the top ten ways to be odd and creepy at the office, without giving human resources a credible reason to fire you. 

1) Wear A Yarmulke!  It really doesn't matter if you're Jewish or not, just remember to wear it everyday.  When someone questions your new accessory, politely wave off the query and claim it's a "personal choice."  A week later, send the entire office an e-mail explaining you are organizing a drive to plant trees in Israel, and for just ten dollars, they could plant their own tree in the Holy land.  At the bottom of the email, provide a link for them to do so...but make sure the link doesn't work.  When someone informs you of the broken link, pull the "silly me!" routine, and tell them you will e-mail them the correct link. But never do. Each following week, e-mail the entire office again with an enthusiastic, non-ironic, exclamation point filled update on both the success of the program, and how many new trees the office is responsible for.  Except make sure that total is always zero.

 2) Everyone Loves An Office Pet!  No, not a cat or a dog, that would be inappropriate.  Bring in a Venus Fly Trap, name it Terrance, and put the word out to your coworkers that if anyone finds any bugs, Terrance would appreciate it. If anyone does point out any bugs, send thank you notes from Terrance.  

All my love, Terrance

In addition, set up a Facebook page for Terrance and "friend request" the entire office.

3) Fan of Canadian Football?  No?  Doesn't matter, you are now.  Buy yourself a bunch of Toronto Argonauts sweaters and wear a different one for each day of the week.  When a co-worker approaches you with a work question, provide them with a cheery, helpful, accurate answer, but don't forget to include a small factoid about the Canadian Football League.  When someone walks by your desk with no intentions of speaking to you, sigh loudly and look towards your computer screen as if you're completely annoyed.  When the person inquires about the source of your bother, simply point to the screen and say, "Can you believe the Argos won't sign Willie Pieperzacker?  He's only like the best slot back in the entire CFL, GEEZ. Can you believe it?!??1??"  Then glumly place your head in your hand and stare hopelessly at your monitor.

4) Honor your dead grandfather.  Did your grandfather die already?  Doesn't matter, no one will know or remember that fact.  So, come in to work, and when someone refers to you by your name, politely tell them that your grandfather died the night before and that, in his honor, you would now like to be called by his name...Octavio.  

RIP Octavio

And if they continue to call you by your own, ignore them until they refer to you by your new name.

5) Be A Player.   Print out an 11x17 Excel spread sheet with the following info, and make sure to just carelessly leave it on your desk.  Down the vertical column is a list of every single dating site you can think of. From to Christian Mingles to whatever. Across the horizontal column on top will be a list of days and dates.  Finally, fill in the middle with a bunch of girls (or guys) names.  And don't forget a section for comments!  Every couple of days, cross off a few names, and fill in the comments section with random numbers and letters, as if it's a code that only means something to you.

6) The Smuggle!  Bring in a backpack to work, but never open it.  In fact, never ever carry it around UNLESS you are headed towards the rest room, and once there, make sure someone is there.  You need an audience.  The key here is to pack the backpack with something that buzzes, like an electric razor or toothbrush.  Once safely in the stall, turn on the electric device and let it rattle in the bag for a few minutes.  Then leave just as you came in, except this time do it while whistling. 

7) The Bathroom Entrance.  Each time you enter the bathroom as someone is leaving, yell SURPRISE! ... and continue into the bathroom. 

8) The Finger Gun.  You know what I'm talking about.  Someone crosses you in the hallway and you shoot them a quick finger gun either ironically or non-ironically, pending on how awkward you are. Do exactly that, except pretend you are unloading a 12-shooter.  Once done with your 20 second display, enthusiastically shout "you said it!"... and walk away with a happy chuckle.  Repeat.

9) The Kitchen Fridge.  For anyone who works in the office, you know this area can be a battleground.  So dig your trench.  Bring in three packages of uncooked hotdogs, open all three of the packages, but make sure to label them with the following "DEAN'S HOTDOGS!  PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH."  And heed your own advice.  

10) The Mistaken Email.  We've all sent weird, out of context emails to unintended people with sometimes embarrassing results.  Take advantage of this perceived mistake by emailing your co-workers suggestive, cryptic e-mails that can be taken a number of ways, but also offers plausible deniability.  Such as: "OMG, is it weird that I looked at the picture 10 times already?" or "Man, I just can't wait to get home, do everything I mentioned, and not tell a soul."  

 Honorable mentions!
a) Each time you enter the bathroom, make sure you're holding a large telephoto lens, but never the camera.
b) Wear a chain wallet that hangs to your knee and makes an annoying sound when you walk.
c) Four words:  Neti Pot, Communal Area
d) You know how it's illegal not to post the labor laws sign in a visible place?  Well, make sure that place is your desk.  
e) Make sure to do 100 jumping jacks at your desk each day.  Kindly explain that you "need to get the blood flowin'"
f) Instead of a desk picture of your child, bring in a LARGE framed, autographed photo of a Cricket player (just autograph it yourself, who cares).  When someone asks you about it, just point your thumb in its direction, shake your head and say "that guy" complete with a laugh that suggests a long story, and then turn your attention back to your computer and pretend no one is there.

Are you sure the answer is not "B?" Ricky Ponting?

Hope that provided some inspiration for your weekend.



  1. I've actually done number 10. More than once. Hence the anonymous

  2. Completing this checklist would warrant hero status.

  3. At my job in NYC, there was a girl who used to ALWAYS talk to you through the bathroom stall.

    She'd talk about really sensitive topics like "Hey, I heard you didn't get that promotion. So sorry." as you hear her tinkling. Every time I'd see her go to the bathroom, I'd wait.

    I couldn't stand this girl. I heard that she got let go last year....hmm...

    1. HAHA! Ugh, how could i forget the stall talker, i hate the stall talker.