I spend a lot of my off time at the gym. True, you wouldn’t really know it since I’m pretty thin and don’t have much muscle bulk. When informed of my gym habits, people generally say “really?” while assuming I must be doing something wrong. And perhaps they have a point, maybe I am, I don’t know.
Regardless, the gym is a petri dish for people with really annoying habits. I’m safely going to assume the below examples are ubiquitous, but here are my top five annoying people at the gym:
“Stare Down” Guy: You’re happily using a machine, going through your sets, when suddenly some gentleman moseys alongside you without a word. “Hmmm, do you see me here?” he thinks. “No? OK, I’m just going to STARE at you till you do.” Then, he puts his annoying plan into action. Clearly he wants to use the machine, but hasn’t mastered the art of conversation or asking politely. So, instead, he just stands there like an asshole until you ask, “Oh, did you want to work in?” to which he graciously accepts and pretends his initial gesture wasn’t annoying.
How Can You Avoid Being This Guy? – I dunno, how about politely asking if you can work in right away? Novel concept, I know. Actually, I have been told “no” by some people, to which I roll my eyes in a way that suggests he’s the biggest asshole in the room…which might, in turn, make me the biggest asshole in the room.
“You’re Doing It Wrong” Guy: This guy is a piece of work, especially if he dispenses his unsolicited advice while crumbs from his Powerbar are falling all over his sweaty spare tire. Sir, I really don’t care that you read about the machine I’m using on Yahoo or how it’ll give me back problems when I get older. Here’s some advice though, if you’re at the gym trying to lose weight, stop eating so much.
How Can You Avoid Being This Guy? – I dunno, how about you just shut the fuck up and mind your business?
“I’m Actually Using That” Guy: Some people seem to forget that the gym exists in a public space and not the comfort of their own home. I’m happy that you are working hard and have picked a very specific exercise regimen, but that doesn’t give you the right to hog four machines at once. And, no, you won’t just be “five minutes.” You never are. Why can’t I use the shoulder press while you are on one of the other three? Good question! Why do you get mad when I ask that question? An even better one!
How Can You Avoid Being This Guy? – Realize it’s a public space and don’t be an asshole?
“Excuse me while I sweat over EVERYTHING” guy: Now, this one is a bit unfair because people cannot control how much they sweat. Actually, maybe a doctor’s visit could provide some sort of remedy(?), but if I was a heavy sweater, I wouldn’t bother either. Generally, these people are well aware of their issue and wipe down the machine once they are done using it, but really, it’s never enough. I can still feel the stickiness, I can still smell it. It’s annoying to have to wipe down the entire machine using the cleaning solution just to make sure I don’t catch some of your germs. But again, this one I can understand.
How Can You Avoid Being This Guy? – I suppose you can’t. Maybe talcum powder?
The Resolutionist: This guy shows up at the gym January 3rd, holding his brand new gym membership while wearing his new workout clothes that he got for a gift a week prior, while holding his iPad or Kindle which, over the course of the next hour or so, will be the recipient of much of his attention. I’m all happy that you have decided to lose those holiday pounds, but let’s face it, you’ll be gone in a week and the only thing you’ve succeeded at is making the gym more crowded. However, it is humorous to watch you hog a machine for 20 minutes, do a quick, uninspiring set of three while rushing to get back to whatever is entertaining you on your e-reader. Thankfully, you are all gone by late February.
How Can You Avoid Being This Guy? – Simple! 1) stick to it or 2) realize the bench press machine isn’t your reading chair or 3) understand you have zero will power, skip the gym in the first place, and eat gummi bears.
Honorable Mention for…
The “Imma shave naked” guy: I have to admit, this one just completely baffles me, though maybe it’s because I don’t even like being naked alone in my own house. I know the locker room is a secluded area that features nudity, but would it kill you to put a towel around your waist while you shave your face? Really, what’s the thought process here? Do you really exit the shower and say “ya know what, I’m gonna ignore that pile of fresh towels over there and shave naked so everyone can enjoy the sight of my hairy ass when they walk by.” Perhaps their lack of shame should be commended, but how is this even comfortable? Don’t you feel the least bit exposed? I suppose there’s a reason I avoid the locker room.
How Can You Avoid Being This Guy? – I dunno, how bout you just don’t shave naked?