Monday, September 26, 2011

What September 24th-26th Means To Me: The Amazing Race

This asshole has the coolest job in the world.  Hands down
AHHHHH, the Amazing Race is finally back.

Now, who the hell do I have to fingerbang to get on this show?   Seriously, male, female, I don't care, I'm willing to go the distance!

For those who do not know, and there are a surprising many of you despite the fact the show has been on twice a year for the past, I dunno, ten, The Amazing Race is a CBS reality show that is, well, a race around the world.  Teams of two hop on planes, arrive in exotic destinations, and take part in fun (and often challenging) "obstacles" that are relevent to the culture of the country they happen to be in.  They are constantly rushing to beat their fellow competitors, and the editors do a fantastic job of building suspense. Brett=constantly tittilated. Edge of my seat. Nipples stiffened.  You know, the type of show where I shout encouragement to the teams I support as if 1) they can actually hear me and 2) this isn't all pre-recorded.

But I don't just adore this show, I'm a lost puppy without it.  During the entire summer, I'd sit on my couch at 8pm on Sunday night and stare aimlessly at a blank TV screen, wondering why the Amazing Race can't be on 365 days of the year.  It's not fair, really.  So, instead, I pout, look around for an answer, and then shrug and wander aimlessly (both mentally and physically) until it's time to go to bed.  When the Race is in season, I'm a more complete human being.  It's sad, but strangely true.

So, how cool would it be to actually race?  Really fucking cool!

Unfortunately, you generally have to have some kind of interesting story to be considered for the Race.  This years teams include Olympic Athletes, Identical Twins, Two past Survivor winners (how is that fair?), and so on.  As for me, there's nothing all that unique about a New York Jew living in Hollywood, and I'm not all that good at anything except sitting around with my thumb up my butt.  Perhaps if I found someone equally as unimpressive and unmotivated, we could brand ourselves the "not that good at anything" Amazing Race team (we'll just call it "Team Moron" for short).  The race teams consistently believe that whatever they do in their everyday lives will aid them along the race.  The annual "pretty girl" team always claims they will "use their looks" while simolteanously informing the audience that "just because they are pretty, they aren't dumb."  My everyday skills would amount to jackshit on the race, unless snarky, self-deprecating blogging would somehow help.  But I'm not sure this skill would come in handy while talking to Buddhist monks in China. ( By the way, one girl from this year's installment of the "Pretty, but we're smart. No really." team actually left her passport at a gas station during the beginning of the first leg. )

Why would I be the perfect candidate for Team Moron?  Well, consider my performance in the elevator at work this morning.  I got in the crowded elevator, watched the numbers rise, the door opened, some people left.  I "realized" that I never pressed the button for the 4th floor, but when I quickly did to ensure I'd get off at my floor, it didn't register.  So, I tried again, nothing.  So I jammed that button a bunch more times wondering what was wrong.  Well, the reason it didn't register is because the elevator was already on the 4th floor and I was too dumb to realize it.  So, in shame, I let the door close and rode up to the 5th floor.  Why did I do this?  I guess I felt like I deserved some sort of punishment. Sort of like the time I dropped my breakfast in the lobby and refused to buy a new one because I was too ashamed.  Anyway, I assume this kind of stupidity would hinder me in the race.  So, let's see where else I could fail?  Cooking challenge?  Watch out, I've never cooked anything beyond a Poptart in my life.  A memory challenge?  My short term memory rivals a goldfish's.  Now, if there were a "Denver Broncos trivia" challenge or a "Beverly Hills 90210" quiz, I'd probably do quite well.  But since neither of those are culturally familiar to, say, Siberia, I'm probably shit out of luck.  But that will be our thing.  The "we can't do anything right, so watch us overcome our stupidity" team.  Or try to anyway.  So, who wants to race with me and shock the world by overcoming our own ineptitude? 

Don't worry Amazing Race casting team, I'll find someone.  This world is full of idiots. So, I'm waiting for your call.  This is, if I can figure out how to pick up the phone. 

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