Friday, September 9, 2011

What September 9th Means To Me: Nothing, so...Worst Songs Of The 1990s!

This week, Rolling Stone conducted a reader's poll to discover which songs were the absolute worst of the 1990's. I always find these lists kind of humorous because of the obvious irony involved with them.  For these hated songs to even make these lists, they had to have been popular once, so the same people who are now hating on them obviously once supported them.  So, America, take a good look in the mirror, punch yourself in that smug grin, let out a good cry, and let's proceed.  Anyway, I'll save you the trouble of clicking on the link, here are the top ten:
10) 4 Non Blondes - Whats Up? (I actually had to YouTube this song to remember what it was.  Then I couldn't understand why it was singled out.  Sure, it wasnt great, but it was more forgettable than OMG WORST SOOONG EVA!!!!111!!! lulz!)
9) Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy (I once saw a classroom of mentally disabled kids perform this at a school function, which was just..I dunno, wrong.  I think the audience would have been more comfortable watching a public execution).
8) Baha Men - Who Let The Dogs Out? (Did we ever discover the answer to one of the most important questions of the 1990's?  I do think Chris Rock admitted to it, though I can't remember. But CR screaming "I LET THE MOTHAFUCKIN DOGS OUT" for some reason stands out in my mind.)
7) Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On (The only reason people hate this is because of general Celine/Titanic backlash.  It's not different from any other "diva" song. So, douchtards, think for yourself, remember that when you first saw Titanic you actually DID cry, and figure out a way to deal with it. That said, James Horner, the guy who wrote this song...supertwat)
6) Hanson - MMMbop (You only have yourselves to blame for this one)
5) Chumbawumba - Tubthumping (I still have this on my iPod and will actually dial it up when I start getting tired on my runs. Yeah, that's right, it's fun!  Its about people getting drunk, getting knocked down, then getting back up again.  Whats the problem?)
4) Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby (See Hanson)
3) BIlly Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart (This song has a similar effect on me as a strobe light does on an epileptic.)
2) Los de Rio - Macarena (It gave us something to do during time outs at sporting events? I dunno, I don't find it that awful)
1) Aqua - Barbie Girl (I thought this song came out in the 2000's.  I'm an idiot)

While the reader's poll provided some nice choices, I strongly believe there were some fantastic contenders left out.  So here goes and feel free to flame away:

5) Warren G. "Regulate"  (1994)  --- I can already see my friend Oscar's reaction:

I know.  Hey, shut up.  I know.  The beat is great, it's still on my iPod, it's an incredibly memorable song.  But have you stopped and listened to the lyrics?  It's actually kind of strange that I have such a negative reaction to this song, because Warren G is actually just describing a normal Friday night for me:  Cruise the streets lookin for ho's, see some guys gambling on the corner, ask the guys if I can play, have those guys point guns at me, then my friend comes and kills them all, then I resume my search for the aforementioned hoes as if nothing happened, find said hoes, take em to the Eastside Motel for a huge orgy with the hoes and my best friend. 

I mean, hey, who can't relate to that?

Worst Lyric: "Now Nate got the freaks and that's a known fact/before I got jacked I was on the same track back up back up cause it's on/N A T E and me/the Warren to the G."   --- Shakespeare, really.  I love when hip hop artists can't figure out a rhyme, so instead just spell their name to fill the space.  In fact, I should inject this into casual arguments when I don't have a good comeback.  "What?  That statsitic I pointed out was incorrect?  Well, B-to the R-to the E to the double T don't give a shit."  Actually, that does sound kind of cool. 

4) Ace Of Base - The Sign (1993) -- Ace of Base not so successfully carried on the Swedish tradition of creating genre-less "dance music," which was started years ago by ABBA.  Chuck Klosterman first pointed this out when he suggested ABBA created a genre all their own.  It was a bunch of Swedes singing songs that sounded like Disco, often about Latin English!  It was as if ABBA existed in a vacuum and created music that they just figured would be popular to Americans (and congrats, it was).  I think Ace Of Base lived in the same vacuum, but only after someone used it to clean up a whole lot of cat hair.  After the cat rolled around in it's own shit for a while.  By the way, wikipedia describes Ace Of Base as "eurodance, ska pop, and reggae fusion."  Exactly.

Worst Lyric: I'll just save you the trouble of reading the entire song.  But, well, the entire song.  (Incidentally, I once played for a softball team called "Ace Of Base ....Ball"  On the back of the uniforms were the words "I Saw The (Steal) Sign."  So, if nothing else, Ace of Base did provide me with a cool T-shirt fifteen years later.  By the way, that team never one a game.  Not even close actually.

3) Skee-Lo "I Wish" - 1995 -- Skee-Lo attempted to do for short people what Larry David does for the bald.  Spittin rhymes on behalf of every guy who doesn't think he gets girls because of his height.  Well, he probably had an easier time getting laid standing on top of the stacks of cash he made off this clunker of a song.  Sure, the beat was catchy, but ...a song about wishing he was taller?  This sounds like something a first grader might have come up with...or, well, something I might write tonight when I'm home alone and lonely.

Worst Lyric: "I wish I was like six-foot-nine/So I can get with Leoshi/ Cause she don't know me but yo she's really fine." ----  Hey Leoshi, how about ya stop being such a superficial cunt and give a tiny brotha a chance?  (on a funny side note, when I was looking up the lyrics for "I Wish," one of the first sites to provide them on Google was  That just made me laugh.)

2) Another Bad Creation "Iesha" - 1990 --  You know when you're young and you make up a song or dance and perform it for your parents in the living room?  And then they clap and pretend that you are actually talented?  Somehow these kids turned that into a record deal.  And that's how Iesha came into our lives.  Seriously, how old were these kids?  10?  Did we really need to support their novelty by giving them tons of airplay?  Apparently, yes.

Worst Lyric: "(Yo Red, where'd you meet her?)/At the playground, ya know, that's where I saw this cutie/This girl was swingin' and she looked so fly/On the monkey bars, we climbed up to the top and/She touched my hand that's when I fell in love." --  What's funnier...reading those lyrics? Or the fact that we used to sing them in Jew camp, without irony, back in 1990?

1) Spice Girls "Wannabe" - 1997 -- I was completely and utterly shocked this gem didn't make the list.  Isn't this everything we're supposed to hate about the world?  Clearly manufactured pop music specifically designed to manipulate it's audience by jamming it down their throats until it becomes catchy?  And isn't it more annoying that it actually worked?  Anyway, lets just get to it's worst lyric because it might actually be the worst lyric in the history of lyrics.

Worst Lyric: "Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,/So tell me what you want, what you really really want/I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,/So tell me what you want, what you really really want,/I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna really /really really wanna zigazag ah"

OK, first you keep me wondering what you "really want" for ten minutes and then, tease me by almost telling me, only to replace the answer with "ha" (this is like holding bacon in front of a dog's nose only to pull it away when it goes to grab it,) after finally revealing what it is that you really really want, it's that you wanna "zigazig?"  Speechless.  Unless this is some commentary on how men and women can't understand eachother, and I can't imagine it is, then this long intro to this incredibly annoying song is an abortion.  Shame on them, shame on us...this is another reason of why we can't have nice things.

So, everyone,  what say you?


  1. Sorry Brett, both you and Rolling Stone got this wrong. The worst song of the 90's is "How Bizarre" by OMC. Talk about nonsensical lyrics. And then it ends with "Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights." Um, excuse me, you are telling me a story here with your stupid ass song - at least have the decency to give the listener a proper effing ending.

    And they played it on the radio CONSTANTLY - the place I worked in the summer of '97 always had PLJ on, and they would literally play it 3 or 4 times each workday. But I guess some good came from it, because I got so sick of that one damn song that I brought in my own radio to listen to (this was pre-ipod, after all) and I discovered a love for classic rock.

    PS Did you ever see the wikipedia page for Regulate? It's not on there anymore, but you can still find the text here - it's pretty freakin' genius.

  2. Good call on "How Bizarre." What an awful song. I'm surprised I forgot that one.

    And that wiki synopsis is fantastic. haha The song is absurd.

  3. that 4 Non-Blondes song is my least favorite song ever, tied with Cotton Eyed Joe.

    Regulate is awesome. as is Iesha.

  4. I do enjoy regulate, i just find it absurd. I have to disagree about Iesha...thats just shit!