It's not often my real workday feels like an episode of "The Office," but...
Yesterday, at some point between the hours of 9 and 10 AM, the following appeared at the cross section of two of the most highly trafficked hallways in my office building
And it stayed there for a good 25 minutes before anyone really did anything about it. Everyone pretty much went through the same process: 1) briefly inspecting it out of shock, 2) looking around aimlessly 3) "What the fuck?" 4) asking anyone and everyone, "Is that what I think it is?" 5) peeking around the corner like it might get up and walk away, 6) ask more co-workers about it, 7) laugh, 8) "Holy fuck," 9) "Is anyone gonna clean that?" 10) Not actually doing anything about it because....what's really the proper reaction to finding shit on the office floor?
Personally, I was all
Ready to tape off the area, throw on a CSI jacket, and have my co-workers call me "Chief." Then I'd bring a desk lamp into the conference room and start interrogating everyone on what they all ate for dinner the night before. But instead I just took the above photo (for posterity), called security to see if that hallway had a camera (they didn't), and then realized how absurd and pathetic the entire thing was (it really was), and that I should probably get back to work (I did).
But the damage was done, and "Poopgate" was upon us.
"But it didn't have a smell!" one claimed.
"Does all poop smell?" another asked.
"Maybe we should download the Everybody Poops book and find out!" yet another offered.
And each half hour, another co-worker would stop by my desk armed with a request to see the picture and a theory. Yes, seriously.
So let's get to the TOP FIVE THEORIES OF WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED.
5) The Diaper Theory
Co-Worker #1 postulated that a parent did an emergency change in the bathroom, carried the dirty diaper out of said bathroom, and somehow the poop slipped out before they could properly dispose of it. "Have you ever seen a baby poop?" the co-worker asked. "Monsters." But considering I don't work in a daycare center, why would a baby be visiting the floor? But let's just say one was, why would the parent carry a dirty diaper, concealed by nothing, out of the bathroom to a different garbage? What would be wrong with the one in the rest room? Also, do babies eat corn?
4) The Odwalla Bar Theory
A certain high level executive studied the picture and deduced that it wasn't what everyone assumed it was and, instead, was sure it was a chocolate peanut butter Odwalla bar.
Upon first glance, I thought he might have a point. The chips could be the "corn" and the chocolate had a resemblance. But upon a careful comparison, we noticed the coloring was different, and that the Odwalla bar was unable to leave a stain trail like the above picture. A different consistency. It was close, but not a match. I offered to heat it up in the microwave to see if it changed the composition of the bar, but he got really grossed out and kicked me out of his office. Hey, he started it.
By the way, who's hungry for a chocolate peanut Odwalla bar!
3) The "It Got Caught On A Person's Pants" Theory
Ah...just....gross. Though it was only a few yards from the restrooms. But... Moving along...
2) The "Office Dog Did It" Theory
Except, of course, there is no office dog.
I suppose it's possible that a dog may have wandered through the office. Perhaps the yellow in the poop was a Crayola crayon it had eaten the night before. But 1) I've never seen a dog in the office, 2) what are the chances the owner of the dog would do nothing about it, and 3) I think someone in the office would have discovered that a dog had been visiting at some point throughout the day. The jig would have been up. The mystery solved.
I suppose it's possible that a seeing eye dog visited and the owner never saw the "mistake," but what the hell are the chances of this happening?
1) The Disgruntled Employee Makes His/Her Mark Theory
My personal favorite. I wish I'd thought of the tactic when I made this list. But my co-worker who suggested this brought up several good points. 1) They picked the absolute perfect location at the perfect time of day (when most would be arriving to work) 2) It's the closest thing to a terror attack on your co-workers. 3) It's the ultimate fuck you. Diabolical!
It'd take a ballsy person to pull that off, but I suppose it is possible, though I think most people are pretty content at my workplace. Unfortunately, I doubt we'll ever discover the culprit, though I expect jokes will be made about it until after the New Year.
Have a great weekend.