Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What November 29th-30th Mean To Me: Walking Dead, I Still Hate You

To say I've been a little critical of AMC's hit show, "The Walking Dead," is like saying Grover Norquist is a little critical of taxes.  In fact, you could compare me to one of those relentless zombies desperately trying to take a bite out of its success so that it, too, will die. PLEASE DIE!!! (I don't know why I keep watching this show, I don't really like it, but it's not the first crap show I couldn't turn away from).  But I have to admit I enjoyed the big barn shootout/blood bath that closed the fall season.  Until...that is I realized we just spent the last 6 episodes doing absolutely nothing.  Seriously, nothing...except watch Glenn get laid.  So, because I'm an asshole, I, of course, feel the need to engage in one of my more annoying habits...nitpicking!
Let's roll, shall we?


1) Sofia -  Ahhh, Sofia, you elusive little bitch.  I'd give a description of your character, except I really don't know the first thing about you.  I do know that you somehow got lost, and we spent the last six million episodes trying to find you in the woods.  Only to discover that you were a "walker" in Herschel's barn the entire time.  Now, maybe it's because I'm a tard, but when you walked out of the barn, your big reveal (your emmy moment!), I had no clue who you were.  Seriously, it took a good 30 seconds before I was like ... "who is ... oh wait, is that Sofia...wait is it?  Will someone say her name already so I know?"  But this shouldn't come as a shock, it took me a season and a half to learn the characters names in the first place.

Anyway...this leads us to...

2) Hey could have saved us some time if you told us you had a little girl in the barn.

Sure, technically Herschel had never met Sofia, But he knew the group was desperately searching for a young girl and, I dunno, maybe he (I actually thought Herschel's name was Horace for a good 3 eps) could have mentioned they just found a young walker and put her in the barn?  Which makes Herschel a real dick.

Well, Rick, if I a told you she was in the barn, what would the audience have done for six weeks? Watch us play Canasta?

Anyway, Sofia never had any relevance to the show to begin with, so now I guess Producers and Writers will have to come up with some other bullshit to kill time. (Also, within a week, Sofia's mother didn't even seem to care about her disappearance.  She was cooking, doing laundry, telling Daryl not to go find her.  If she doesn't care, I don't care).  I have an idea for good character development. Maybe next time someone loses a child, make the character care?...which leads me to...

3) Carl - We should actually just watch an entire show about Carl.  A show where doctors poke and prod him in an attempt to figure out his healing powers.  The Walking Dead is very poor at creating a timeline, but it appears young Carl fully recovered from a near fatal gunshot wound to the stomach in  about a week.  A WEEK.

If I was shot in the stomach and almost died, I'd be recovering and bitching for the rest of my life. But young Carl, within a week, was wearing his Dad's sheriff's hat, learned the word "shit," and started ordering the adults around.  But none of this was as annoying as how Carl got shot in the first place...
4) The Deer - Want to see smoke come from my ears?  Tell me you loved the Deer plot device.  Please, do it. Tempt me!  For those who don't remember, the reason Carl was shot is because he was admiring a fucking deer, like it was a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, just as some fat hick shot the deer from the other side.  When Carl woke up from his coma, the first thing he mentioned was how beautiful this dumb deer was.  OK, a few problems.  1) It's a deer.  2) Yes, Walking Dead is a post apocolyptic story, but its not like The Road where the kid never saw anything but destruction for his entire life.  From what we can tell, the zombie invasion in The Walking Dead is, tops, two months old, so Carl had YEARS to appreciate life.  In fact, he probably had a dog!  Maybe 2!  At least a hamster.  Point being, there's no reason he should be enamored by a deer and telling me how beautiful it is.  ITS A DEER!   I HATE YOU, CARL, AND I HATE PEOPLE WHO WERE MOVED BY THIS.


5) Dale's Hat -  We viewers were given a very special treat this week.  Dale took off his hat.  For whatever reason, maybe it was his bald spot, I instantly felt more sorry for Dale, causing his character to be tons more sympathetic.  If I can give one note to the production team...let a zombie eat Dale's hat next season. If you're concerned about skin cancer, I'm sure we can send Glenn to the drug store to find some sunblock for the noggin...

perfect segue!

6) Glenn and Maggie - Glenn got laid!  WOOOO!  Simply by being the only person of his age in the group.  Which gives me a GREAT idea on how to get women.

1) Hope for a worldwide plague that turns 99 percent of the population into Walking Zombies
2) Team up with a group of people where I am the ONLY guy in his late 20's-early 30's
3) Find a remote farm inhabited by a semi kind family and, more importantly, a hot girl in the same age range.
4) Find this:

5) Patiently wait a couple of days until she becomes desperate enough to sleep with me.  Well done, Glenn, I suppose.

Moving on!

7) Back To Dale...Why Were You Hiding The Guns!

Dale doesn't trust Shane.  For good reason, Shane's an asshole.  Somehow, Dale figured out all Shane's dark secrets by...I dunno, just figuring them out.  Dale is convinced Shane will do something irresponsible, so he takes a few excess guns out to the woods to hide them.  Why?  I have no clue, there's still an entire arsenal at Shane's disposal, I don't see what hiding a few guns would do.  Also, ya know, they live in a world where tons of flesh eating zombies exist, so it might be good to have the guns on hand.  Hmmm, maybe all Dale's intelligence flew out of his head after he took off the hat.  Hmmm, I'm willing to chance it if you are. 

8) The Love Triangle Didn't Work The First Time....So Let's Try It Again!

Season One featured a very lame attempt at a love triangle between Rick, Shane, and Lori.  Lori is married to Rick, she thought Rick was dead, started sleeping with Shane, Rick came back.  Boring.  Now, Lori is pregnant!  Is it Rick's?  Is it Shane's?  Who gives a shit.  I hope the baby comes out looking like the Khaleesi's still born child. 

Oh, not quick enough

Sadly, I'm sure I'll watch the spring season because... what else do I have to do?  Well, at least I'll have more to complain about. 


  1. Also, what the hell is the purpose of T-Dog as a character? He whined a couple of times early in the season, then he's just been hanging around, contributing nothing to the group.

    And wouldn't it have been much stronger to allow the differences between Shane and Rick to speak for themselves, rather than drawing attention to said differences with a huge neon sign (practically)?

  2. Everyone is entitled to a lapse in good taste. Walking Dead is one of the most engaging shows on TV. Period! Don't be a hater.

  3. Totally agree about T-Dog. He's just THERE to cut his wrist and help lift the zombie from the well. Thats about it.

    And it is "engaging," but like a soap opera is. I just dont think its near as smart as it thinks it is.

    THE FUCKING DEER!!!!!!!!

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