Monday, July 2, 2012

What July 2nd Means To Me: How You Found My Blog!

It's time for one of my favorite segments: How You Found My Blog!  For a refresher, it's simple: I go into my Google Analytics, pick out some of my favorite search terms that brought people to my website of humble musings ... and then cry.  Once again, you guys didn't disappoint.  In fact, I think we've hit a new low. 

Let's Get To The Searches And Start With ....

Girls Girls Girls Who Pee In Roommates Drinks: 

<Sigh>  Though, I suppose, this has the makings of the greatest Craigs List ad of all time:  "Some like bondage, some like public sex, but this 27 year old SWM gets off when you urinate in my roommate's Diet Coke.  Several of you. Why else would I say "Girls" three times in the title."

Oh, and poor roommate. 

I Shall Wear Your Nipple As A Badge Of Honor:

A worthy search term, really. 

I have to wonder (and hope) this is a line from a song I don't know, because otherwise this guy might belong to some awfully strange Fight Club.  But it begs this question: Who would you rather be roommates with?  A guy who orders women to pee in your beverages, or the guy who cuts your nipple off while you're sleeping?  Imagine waking up the next nippleless morning with a bloody mess on your chest, then walking out into the living room to see your roommate calmly eating Frosted Flakes with your nipple pinned to his shoulder like its a ribbon supporting breast cancer.   "Hey Steve, is that my nipple?"  "Why yes, I thought I'd proudly display it, like a badge of honor. I got the idea after typing that into a Google search. I thought you'd be impressed."

Pimples On Vag Lips Help:

Sounds like someone had a very bad night.  But you have to wonder what prompted this search in the first place. Do you think it's a girl who found them on herself? For whatever reason, I find the crudeness of the term rules that out.  This is what I think it went down:

A nice, young fellow said, "you know what I'm going to do tonight, Mom?  I'm going to head down to the club and find me a nice young woman."  And he did just that as he hit the dance floor and found a lovely female willing to gyrate her body against him.  They decided, right away, that they were in love and it was meant to be, so they retired to her apartment where he immediately engaged in oral sex.  Upon pulling away from her nether regions, he opened his eyes for the first time and...


Then he did this...

...all the way home...only to be all...

while typing it into a Google search.   Well, I hope my blog gave you temporary levity from your trying situation.   How the hell did that term lead him here???

Peel Back To Woman's Vagina:

This post has taken a pretty "It Rubs The Lotion On It's Skin" vibe hasn't it?  WTF does the above even mean?

Pepol Ho Shoe Ther Bobis Youtob:

Hey Borat! Thanks for stopping by!  Did you enjoy my blog?

That's sweet of you to say.

And last, but not least:

I'm A Heavy Handed Cunt

Save this one for your therapist chair, not Google. 

As usual, I'm incredibly proud of all of you.  Have a good Monday, all. 

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