Top Five Movies of 2012

Brett likes the movies. 

He also likes talking about the movies. 

Now, top five movie lists (or anything to do with taste) always should be taken with a grain of salt because, generally, we tend to put more value into recent experiences because they are fresher in our minds.  I'm human, so I am no exception, though I truly believe most of the good movies that were released in 2012 came out in December.

With all that said, let's do the TOP FIVE MOVIES OF 2012.

But before we go into the list, just a couple of thoughts on some popular movies I omitted that people may grouse about.

1) Lincoln -  There was once a time when the entire movie going society would engage in a collective nutswing over anything Steven Spielberg attached his name to.  Even if the film was a complete piece of shit (A.I., for example), we'd follow our thoughts on the movie with a litany of excuses that suggested we probably didn't love it simply because we were too stupid to get it.  Steven could do no wrong, after all.  This line of thinking has gone by the wayside, but Lincoln deserves its due.  It's both beautifully written and directed, and has some of the most memorable performances of the year.  My main issue with the film is that it didn't know what story it was telling.  It vacillated between an interesting political movie on how Lincoln manipulated congress to end slavery and a biopic.  Yeah, we all know Lincoln gets shot while watching a play, but that's neither here nor there within the context of the movie.  So why show it at all?

2) Django Unchained - Cue the annoying Tarantino fans!   Listen, the guy is extraordinarily talented. I get it.  He makes unique movies.  I'll fully give him that.  But there's a reason this fuck is still single.  He's so fucking in love with himself that no one will ever be able to match up.  I've long thought Tarantino writes his movies with his right hand on the keyboard and his left firmly grasping his wiener.  And every other sentence he looks over his shoulder as if someone is standing behind him admiring his work.  And, to me, it shows in virtually every scene of his movies.  I just can't get past it. Also, thanks for putting your fat ass in the movie.  Try a salad.  Again, he's very talented.  I'm just sick of his "smartest guy in the room" routine. 

3) Les Mis - Didn't see; don't care.

Ok, so now that we have that settled, let's get to the top five. 

5) Perks of Being A Wallflower - I first read this book while killing time in my old office many moons ago.  It's a short book you read in one sitting and then rush to tell friends about.  I honestly don't remember much about the book other than it affected me emotionally (and something about the Rocky Horror Picture Show), but I'll say the movie did a great job of pulling at those same exact strings.  A great coming of age story in an age where coming of age stories are growing epically tiresome.

4) Argo - Cue the Affleck haters!  The many many Affleck haters!  Yeah, yeah, I don't give a fuck if anyone could have played the main role in this movie, or if Affleck looked nothing like the main guy in real life (when he filled out the rest of the cast with lookalikes), it's incredibly tough to make a gripping thriller when the audience already knows the outcome, but he managed to create those edge-of-your-seat moments anyway.  Ben Affleck has officially become a director whose movies I'll see simply because he directed them.  I'll be first in line if he ever releases a movie called "Watching Paint Dry."  And, of course, he has my vote when he runs for President. 

3) Life Of Pi - I'm a sucker for well-done movies where humans and untamable (Is that a word?  Is now) animals become friends.  I can't even think of another example, but well, it's a good formula.  You've all heard the accolades for this movie: "A visual triumph!"  "A masterpiece for the senses!" and it probably deserves all that.  It's a well told story that's as emotionally satisfying as it is visually, even if they skipped over a very important detail: Where did the tiger shit?  And don't give me this crap bout the tiger sticking its ass over the side of the boat.  It's a tiger, it wouldn't do that.  And if Pi was deathly afraid of the tiger, and spent most of his time on his makeshift raft next to the boat, then no one could clean the tiger shit.  Yet the boat remained immaculate.  No shit anywhere to be found.  That's the first question I would have asked Pi while picking apart his story.  Regardless, you can't go wrong with this movie, though I'll bet you'll be thinking about tiger shit while watching it now. 

2) Silver Linings Playbook - Admittedly, a tailor-made Brett movie.  But it delivers.  In fact, it's worth seeing for one scene alone which will make you forgive Robert Deniro for the slew of shitty movies he's starred in over the past decade.  Yeah, the film hits all the cliche indie notes, it might feel a bit familiar, but it's worth it. And kudos to Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper for pulling this one along.  It may have dragged in lesser hands. 

1) Zero Dark Thirty - It's hard to make a 2 hour and 45 minute movie that you don't want to end.  I'm not ruining anything, Osama Bin Laden dies at the conclusion of the film, but I probably could have watched the main character do a victory lap for another 30 minutes where everyone who ever doubted her shook her hand and told her she did a good job.  Kinda like that scene at the end of Armageddon where William Fichter requests to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man he's ever known.  But seriously, it's difficult to find a movie where not even a second is wasted.  It's perfectly paced and incredibly tense even though, similar to Argo, you know the conclusion before even stepping into the theater.  I really thought The Hurt Locker was overrated (Bigalow's last movie), but Zero Dark Thirty delivered everything you could possibly want in a film.  And that's why it's my top movie of the year.

Top Five Things I Watched While Having The Flu

I had the flu.

For six days.

It sucked.

I watched a lot of TV.

There's a lot of shit on TV

Thank God for endless channels...

...So I could watch ALL THE SHIT on TV. 

So...Here's the TOP FIVE THINGS I WATCHED WHILE HAVING THE FLU.

5)  49ers Vs. Patriots - Sunday Night Football.

Normally, I suck at Fantasy Football.  Seriously, I suck at it.  Which is ironic because of how much I love football.  But this year, I didn't suck at it.  My team was rather good. In fact, so good that I found myself in the semi finals.  Now, generally I don't care too much about fantasy football (which might explain why I'm shit at it), I'm much more concerned with the plight of the Denver Broncos, but when the money is in sight, well you start to care.  Anyway, during this semi-final match, the score was tied going into the Sunday Night game.  I had Wes Welker going, he had Frank Gore. I thought I had it in the bag.  I didn't.  And each time Gore touched the ball, there was a nice, sharp pain in between my testicles.  Fuck fantasy football. 

4) Sister Act Two: Back In The Habit

And this was on a few times. 

I haven't seen this movie since it was originally released on cable, and its amazing how much I retained.  Probably because I think the last line of the movie is one of the best closing line's in movie history.  I'm being serious.

Essentially the sequel is about Las Vegas lounge singer, Whoopi Goldberg, once again, pretending she's a nun to get a pack of rabblerousing, yet talented inner city teens in line to become a functional choir (or something like that).  And then by the end of the movie, Whoopi has them rappinig "ya down with G-O-D, yeah you know me!" Yeah, seriously.  But it was the early 90's, so totally acceptable.  Anyway, after the kids win the competition, one of them, Ahmad or something, calls out Whoopi and asks if she's a "Las Vegas showgirl" and Whoopi gets all Whoopi on him and says, "I am not, nor have I ever been, my dear Ahmad, a Las Vegas showgirl....I....am a headliner."  And she does this with a confident twirl of her finger. It was the ultimate "dont fuck with Whoopi moment."  Then it fades to an end credits scene where the kids sing, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

Another tidbit about this movie:  When I originally watched in on cable in, say 1994, my father didn't believe the main girl's voice was real because "if it was real, she'd be famous."  The girl is Lauryn Hill.  And, of course, she become famous.  Nice one, Dad.

And now I've officially written more about Sister Act 2 than anyone has in like 20 years.

3) Re-Runs of Seinfeld

Nuff said.

2)  Catfish: The TV Show.

You guys ever watch Catfish: The Movie?   If you liked that, you'll LOVE Catfish: The TV Show.  It's my current obsession.  Essentially, it's about poor innocents who fall in love with dubious people online, and then with the help of the filmmkers behind the show, finally confront them.  Oh, and they are always so optimistic, the poor things.  But of course, the other person is always lying about their appearance (they are generally fat). It's amazing to me that people, adults, have these all encompassing online relationships full well knowing that, at some point, the truth will come out and it'll all fall apart.  And its equally amazing to find there are actually people who think they're talking to supermodels that have a dysfunctional Skype. 

1) This Real Sports Segment

Remember Dominique Moceanu?

Now you do.  And Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel relayed this amazing story about her.

During Dominique's quest for gold in 1996, there was a young girl named Jen that idolized her.  So much so that she wanted to take up gymnastics just so she could be like Dominique. Just one thing:  Jen was born without legs.  But, despite her limitations, she took up gymnastics and quickly figured out how to tumble.  In fact, she got so good at it that she went on to become a tumbling champion of some sort. 

That's not the amazing part.

It turns out that Jen had been given up for adoption after birth (because her parents didn't want to deal with a special needs child).  When she was a teenager, she became curious about her birth parents and asked her mother and father if they knew anything about them.  Well, they did.  And it turns out that her original last name was Moceanu, and that Dominique was her biological sister.  Fucking weird right? What are the chances your childhood idol is actually your biological sister you've never once met? Now, go to the Google and watch the segment. 

There ya have it. 

I probably should have just rented season one of Homeland so people would get off my back for not watching it.  Oh well..

Top Five Hostess Cakes

I meant to write this post a couple of weeks ago during the fake outrage and sentiment over a bunch of crappy, fattening snack foods no one even eats anymore, but got lazy and forgot about it until now (which seems appropriate somehow. I equate Hostess with apathy because who ever gets excited about eating these things anyway.)  All that said, Hostess Cakes were definitely a part of childhood, for better or worse, so I wanted to pay tribute to these sugary, and always uninspiring snacks that were never as good as they seemed.

So here are my TOP FIVE HOSTESS CAKES

5) The Baseball Cupcake

"But Mom, it has a baseball on the top!  I like baseball!  It's gotta be good!"  I doubt I ever uttered those words, or any like them, but I'm sure I found the idea of the baseball cupcake more appealing because I liked baseball.  Sorta the same reason we all wanted Air Jordans when we were younger; we wanted to be part of some club that marketers sold us on, but didn't really exist.  Unless the club was "children of annoyed parents who wish their kids would shut up about baseball cupcakes."   Anyway, regardless of all that, the vanilla flavored cake was eons better than their signature chocolate cupcake, despite the fun swirl on the top of those.  It's hard to fuck up a chocolate cupcake, actually, I would have argued it's impossible, save for the fact I've eaten enough Hostess chocolate cupcakes to know they are fucking terrible.  So, it's very possible. 

4) The Devil Dog

Technically a Drake Cake, but since Hostess owned Drake, we'll include it.  I believe Devil Dogs were limited to the east coast because when I mentioned them once to west coast born co-workers years ago, they had no clue of what I was talking about.  I had my mother send me out a box, which we all ate together, then shrugged and said "OK, that happened," before we got a drink of water and felt guilty.  My parents would often put Devil Dogs in my school lunch as a dessert, and nine times out of ten, my turkey sandwich would crush the snack to make the whole eating experience a complete mess.  Plus, the cake had a horrible habit of sticking to the top of my mouth, which drove me crazy.  And they kinda look like turds.

3) The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pie

I suppose this was the Ecto Cooler of cakes. You gotta love food and drink that are colored green so they appear radioactive. That's gotta be healthy. I remember I bought my first turtle pie with Danny McGarry back in elementary school.  We both loved the ninja turtles, and now suddenly we had a green filled pie to celebrate our appreciation for all their ass-kicking efforts.  And, of course, it sucked, and I barely got halfway through it.  I don't remember exactly what it tasted like, as I'm sure "ass" wasn't the intended flavor, but for Brett not to finish something sweet, you know it's complete shit.

However, a little later on in life, these pies made for great projectiles when throwing them at friends' cars (don't judge).  You'd throw, they'd splatter and stick, and everyone would have a good laugh.  Save for the person who found their car the next morning covered in the green goo of turtle pie.

2) Twinkies

I have to admit I did like these overly sweet snacks (even the shitty tasting low-fat version), though not as much as the smell of them.  I suppose they were like popcorn in that sense, the scent was more enticing than the actual cake.  Regardless of my appreciation, my main memory of the Twinkie was vomiting one on the side of my parent's car while driving to Cape Cod one August.  It was also the day I realized I couldn't read in the car without getting sick.  My parents had bought me a Mickey Mouse comic book, which I read and enjoyed until I realized the unstoppable wave of nausea brought on by the concentration.  Needless to say, I couldn't make it to the next rest stop, so I rolled down the window and threw up PURE WHITE along the side of the car.  Like Santa's beard.  Anyone want a Twinkie?

1) Suzie-Q

This thing should have come with a warning label it was so dense.  I'm surprised there wasn't a rash of choking incidents caused by Susie-Q's getting lodged in people's throats. 

In high school, we had some sort of current events class that seniors mainly used to goof around.  And, one day, we got caught on a conversation about lunch, and the teacher offered that he was eating a salad, or something else that was light.  Louis was so offended by his choice and dismissed it as "women food."  When asked what "women food" consisted of, Louis ran through various low-cal items that wouldn't fill him up even if he wasn't hungry.  When the teacher asked him what "Man Food" might be, Louis paused for a moment and confidently said...

"A Susie-Q"

There ya have it, have a good day all. 

Top Five Theories On How THAT Got There

It's not often my real workday feels like an episode of "The Office," but...

Yesterday, at some point between the hours of 9 and 10 AM, the following appeared at the cross section of two of the most highly trafficked hallways in my office building

Yep.

And it stayed there for a good 25 minutes before anyone really did anything about it.  Everyone pretty much went through the same process:  1) briefly inspecting it out of shock, 2) looking around aimlessly 3) "What the fuck?" 4) asking anyone and everyone, "Is that what I think it is?" 5)  peeking around the corner like it might get up and walk away, 6) ask more co-workers about it, 7) laugh, 8) "Holy fuck," 9) "Is anyone gonna clean that?" 10) Not actually doing anything about it because....what's really the proper reaction to finding shit on the office floor?

Personally, I was all

Ready to tape off the area, throw on a CSI jacket, and have my co-workers call me "Chief."  Then I'd bring a desk lamp into the conference room and start interrogating everyone on what they all ate for dinner the night before.  But instead I just took the above photo (for posterity), called security to see if that hallway had a camera (they didn't), and then realized how absurd and pathetic the entire thing was (it really was), and that I should probably get back to work (I did).

But the damage was done, and "Poopgate" was upon us. 

"But it didn't have a smell!" one claimed.

"Does all poop smell?" another asked.

"Maybe we should download the Everybody Poops book and find out!" yet another offered. 

And each half hour, another co-worker would stop by my desk armed with a request to see the picture and a theory.  Yes, seriously.

So let's get to the TOP FIVE THEORIES OF WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED.

5) The Diaper Theory

Co-Worker #1 postulated that a parent did an emergency change in the bathroom, carried the dirty diaper out of said bathroom, and somehow the poop slipped out before they could properly dispose of it.  "Have you ever seen a baby poop?" the co-worker asked.  "Monsters."  But considering I don't work in a daycare center, why would a baby be visiting the floor?  But let's just say one was, why would the parent carry a dirty diaper, concealed by nothing, out of the bathroom to a different garbage?  What would be wrong with the one in the rest room?  Also, do babies eat corn?

Implausible.

4) The Odwalla Bar Theory

A certain high level executive studied the picture and deduced that it wasn't what everyone assumed it was and, instead, was sure it was a chocolate peanut butter Odwalla bar.

Upon first glance, I thought he might have a point.  The chips could be the "corn" and the chocolate had a resemblance.  But upon a careful comparison, we noticed the coloring was different, and that the Odwalla bar was unable to leave a stain trail like the above picture. A different consistency. It was close, but not a match.  I offered to heat it up in the microwave to see if it changed the composition of the bar, but he got really grossed out and kicked me out of his office.  Hey, he started it.

By the way, who's hungry for a chocolate peanut Odwalla bar!

3) The "It Got Caught On A Person's Pants" Theory

Ah...just....gross.  Though it was only a few yards from the restrooms.  But...  Moving along...


2) The "Office Dog Did It" Theory

Except, of course, there is no office dog.

I suppose it's possible that a dog may have wandered through the office.  Perhaps the yellow in the poop was a Crayola crayon it had eaten the night before.  But 1) I've never seen a dog in the office, 2) what are the chances the owner of the dog would do nothing about it, and 3) I think someone in the office would have discovered that a dog had been visiting at some point throughout the day. The jig would have been up.  The mystery solved. 

I suppose it's possible that a seeing eye dog visited and the owner never saw the "mistake," but what the hell are the chances of this happening?


1) The Disgruntled Employee Makes His/Her Mark Theory

My personal favorite.  I wish I'd thought of the tactic when I made this list.  But my co-worker who suggested this brought up several good points.  1) They picked the absolute perfect location at the perfect time of day (when most would be arriving to work) 2) It's the closest thing to a terror attack on your co-workers. 3) It's the ultimate fuck you.  Diabolical! 

It'd take a ballsy person to pull that off, but I suppose it is possible, though I think most people are pretty content at my workplace.  Unfortunately, I doubt we'll ever discover the culprit, though I expect jokes will be made about it until after the New Year.

Have a great weekend.

Top Five Things I Enjoyed About Austria

As mentioned in the previous post, I recently returned from an all-too-short trip to Austria and loved every second of it, despite the fact that Los Angeles weather has completely ruined my ability to handle anything colder than 50 degrees. Yes, I'm totally one of "those people" that New Yorkers loathe when they mention Angelenos. So, I was basically rolling around Vienna like the Michelin Man, constantly complaining about stiff breezes and a numb nose.  Annoying, I know. 

Have you ever gone on a vacation to a nice, yet boring place, but you easily convince yourself it's prettier or more fun than it actually is?  Vienna is not one of those cities.  While tourist attractions may be low (and not very eventful, unless you like horses,art museums, and classical music to which I'm personally indifferent..but actually, that's a lot), the city is warm and beautiful; easily one of the most walkable in my Euro experience. 

But anyway, lets get to the top five.  Now, I would have loved to have taken more pictures, things like the Hapsburg Palace, which is pretty unreal, but my hands were generally cold and under the cover of mittens, so I didn't often reach for my phone. So, yes, I suck.

But anyway...here's the TOP FIVE THINGS I ENJOYED ABOUT AUSTRIA  (by the way, if you actually want good advice about what to do in Austria, might I recommend Google?)

Honorable Mention: Mr. Lee's

OK, I never once ate at this fast food, Asian inspired chain, but I got lulz everytime I saw their tagline, "Quicklee."  I have no clue why I found it to be so clever.  But I enjoyed it each time I saw it.  And I saw it often.  By the end of the trip, my friend was pretty much all, "God, would you just eat it already? It won't take long, it'll come quicklee."  But no, it looked totally nasty.  Plus, I didn't want to be that guy that traveled all the way to Austria to eat fast food sesame chicken. 

5) The Ferris Wheel

I don't like Ferris Wheels.  Generally, they terrify me...with all that stopping and swaying several stories above the ground.  One of the scariest rides in the world, to me, is that dumb ass Ferris Wheel at Disneyland (yeah), the one that rolls to the edge with each stop and swings haplessly in the air as you look down towards your death.  It's awful.

But the Ferris Wheel in Vienna seems to be some sort of institution, and the cars are completely enclosed, which eliminated that pain in my stomach that generally accompanies heights.  Also, did you know, for a measly 400 euro you can have a three course meal in one of the cars?  Probably not, why would you know this? BUT WHAT A DEAL.  They set up a nice table for two and bring you different courses each time your car returns to the starting point.  How cool...though I can imagine it getting old pretty quickly.  Especially if the food is anything like the kind they serve in the cafe below the wheel.  Anyway, I didn't partake in the dinner option, and instead shared a car with numerous other tourists, including one guy who kept speaking to me in quick Spanish even though I kept answering in English, but hey...look at the view!

OK, so the Vienna skyline isn't all that exciting, but whatever.  Good enough for a scene in Before Sunrise, good enough for Brett.

4) This Church

Not sure who had the idea to bathe this Stephansplatz cathedral in color at night, but bravo.

3) This Picture

WTF?   I suppose Germans/Austrians have a history of not being sensitive to other racial/cultural groups.  Thanks Mammy!

2) Christmas Markets

Markets, markets, everywhere!   Seriously.  Everywhere.  And they are all generally the same.  A large group of festively decorated green stalls that sell various Christmas related goods you may or may not want/need.  All the markets are, more or less, identical, and you know what? My friend and I loved each one more than the last.  They are exactly what you think when you picture what a European Christmas should be.  And if you want some hot wine or coffee, they actually serve it to you in a real mug. No paper shit here!  Never got tired of these markets, never bought a thing aside from a drink.

1) Salzburg, Austria

"You should visit the other side of the city, that way you can tell friends you've seen both sides of Salzburg."  That's what the girl behind the hotel front desk told us when we asked for advice at check in.  She overestimated my friends; I'd be surprised if 30 percent of them have actually heard of Salzburg, let alone know that it has two sides.

But that's a shame because the mountainside city is beautiful, with its thin cobblestone corridors and the enormous old fortress that overlooks the entire town. It's perfect for that "step back in time" feeling that many travel to Europe for (even if some of the streets are filled with high end boutiques).  And, of course, Mozart enthusiasts can visit his birthplace (if the locals can give you proper directions on how to find it...you wouldn't expect this to be a problem, but ummm).  Though I wasn't there during a snowfall, I can imagine Salzburg blanketed in white is near perfect, and would be an ideal place to spend your Christmas.

Top Five Things I Love About This Random Family

I just got back from spending an awesome week in Austria, and, on the return leg, had the pleasure of a six hour layover at London's Heathrow airport.  Those that know me best (or even not well at all), understand there's no sarcasm there.  I love airports. I love layovers.  I love malls.  I love eating. I love singing the "I like to stop at the duty free shop" song from Seinfeld.  It's all perfect.  But, during the 4th hour, after what seemed like my seventh trip to Starbucks, I sat on a bench and stared aimlessly into nothing (boredom can happen anywhere, after all).  That is...until I noticed the seemingly normal family of four sitting in front of me. 

And oh how they amused me for the next 30 minutes. 

Oh, and yes, the following post contains pictures.  Which means the following post proves I can be an effective stalker.  Though I'm sure I'm not alone.  Haven't we all pretended to write a text while actually snapping a pic of what's in front of us?  My general method of choice is to pretend my phone isn't getting a signal, furrowing my brow like there's some sort of problem (because who takes a picture when they look frustrated) and then pretend to hit some buttons after I actually take the picture, followed by the lowering of the phone like the problem has been rectified.  Ya know, all perfectly normal. 

Anyway...

Here's the TOP FIVE THINGS ABOUT THAT FAMILY SITTING IN FRONT OF ME.  Or maybe...Top Five Reasons This Family Is Great Birth Control. 

5) Playing Games

I know that picture seems innocent enough, and at the time it was, but my sixth sense told me something interesting would soon happen.  Well, that and the fact he had just shook the red and blue "lines" of the simple toy like he was holding the bars of a jail cell and desperately wanted to be released.  I didn't even know it was possible to break those toys, they seem so secure in the wood, but well, he managed.  Then went on his merry way to terrorize anything else he could.

4) Yes, Child, Go Play In Traffic.

Normally, when a young child sprints into a throng of strangers, much like a dog dashes across a park when it sees a squirrel, a parent's reaction is to run after the child or, at least, call after them (you know, in that tired way parents do).  The Dad of my favorite family's reaction after his daughter pointed at something in the distance and ran towards it, far out of sight?  Well, a simple glance in her direction and then....

Ain't no thing.

3) This Seems Like A Nice Place To Sit

Two things about this picture: 1) excuse my finger, I was laughing while taking this one.  I'm not exactly the worlds best spy.  2) Notice where the daughter is sitting, and the legs coming out from behind her.  See em? Yes, she's sitting on her brother's head. 

Now, look at Mom. 

I love this picture.  And, unfortunately, this blog doesn't come with sound effects, otherwise you would have heard him SCREAMING.


2) Eventually...

The mother finally intervened with a light "stop it," to which the kids natural reaction wasn't just to remain silent and sit politely.  No, that would be easy and would make far too much sense.  Their reaction?  To stand in front of their mother, simulate farting noises, annoy the shit out of her, and give Brett some lulz.  It involved a little dance, lots of fart sounds, and a few childish giggles (from both me and them). 

The greatest regret of my entire vacation was not getting the camera out of my pocket in time to snap photo evidence of this display.  But you can more or less imagine how it went.  I did, however, capture a picture of Mom after the children dispersed.

By the way, notice the person in the upper right hand corner of the pic.  That just struck me as funny.  I have no clue what she was doing. 

1) And finally...

Just when I noticed that my gate was posted and open, and I was ready to leave, I saw Mom and Dad give a cursory glance to the flight board.  The kind of glance that suggests they know the news can't be good.  Then they looked at each other as the father glumly said, "only two more hours" in the most resigned tone you can imagine. The mother sighed and nodded. It was all she could do.  And off I went.

Thanks for the entertainment, family of four.  Children are gifts, aren't they?

Top Five Thoughts On The Weekend

Just a quick five thoughts...

5) Hey Microsoft, no matter how hard you try, you probably won't ever be "hip"

Have you seen these new Microsoft commercials for that half tablet/half laptop thing? Where they accentuate the clicking sound it makes when you attach the keyboard to the tablet? Then, using the sound, they form a beat, and then all the cool kids spill all their cool on the entire world?  It just feels like Microsoft is trying too hard.  Keep it simple.  I can picture a bunch of older white guys in a board room, sitting with their serious faces, saying "we need more cool.  The kids like the dancing and the hip hop.  Lets do that." 

Honorable mention for most annoying commercial also goes to that "Bud Light" spot, where a group of guys hold their bottles with the labels facing out because it will help the kicker kick the winning field goal.  They cite "scientific research," and this is supposed to be funny.  Few things:  1)It's not. 2) If you're going to make a commercial about how their stupid superstition causes the improbable, then maybe a game winning field goal (a common occurrence) shouldn't be the subject, and 3) They are at an Oakland Raiders game, and come on, they never win :D.

4) Sports Bars are annoying

Because I'm a fan of an out of town team, I'm subjected to these hellholes a few times a year when my favorite team isn't on national TV.  This is actually worthy of a post itself, but loud places full of obnoxious drunkards are never ideal.

3) Veterans Day

It's Veterans Day in America, but I'm about to raise an un-popular opinion.  I was watching a lot of football this weekend, and of course, there were many ceremonies in honor of the military and our troops (and, of course, veterans deserve to be commended for their service.  They do the dirty work, after all), but the way this country praises and lionizes our military is a bit unsettling.  And if I were from another country, and knew little of America, I'd find it bordering on disturbing. We just stop short of praying to it. My case in point?  You're probably reading this in horror and thinking "How can he criticize the military!  He's not supporting the troops!" But this has nothing to do with the troops (and I hate when people take any criticism of the military as a sign that I'm not "supporting the troops"), but it makes it hard to think open minded about both our military spending and the military's place in our society when we hold it up on this tall pedestal no one can reach.  That said, Veterans Day is a day for veterans and your service is appreciated.

2) Lincoln. 

The New Spielberg Movie.  Saw it.  Liked it, didn't adore it.  Great performances, too many soliloquies.  Also, its essentially a movie about how Lincoln manipulated congress into voting for slavery emancipation.  An incredibly interesting and worthy story, but not one that involves Lincoln's death, and the quick "death" scene felt out of place.

Also, on a side note, a number of years ago, when GAP rolled out their (RED) campaign, there were a serious of billboards featuring Spielberg in a red leather jacket.  Below, it said "Hono(red)."  Now when you look at their inspi(red) ads, you immediately think "inspired."  But when you look at hono(red), you immediately think Hono Red. And I don't even know what Hono Red would mean, but it's funny.  As a result, since these ads were released, my friends and I just call him Hono Red. By the way, you can't find that ad anywhere now. Try googling it.  I can picture Hono Red being all "Why the fuck does it say Hono Red?  TAKE THESE DOWN NOW."

1) One week till vacation.

Thank the heavens. 

Top Five Election Day Thoughts!

Just a quick five thoughts on this Election Day.

5) This Election Is Important

Yeah, yeah, I know it's en vogue to say "Well, both parties are awful, they are the same, blah blah, I'm lazy and wanna stay home with my thumb up my butt."

This may be true to a point, but the future of healthcare and the Supreme Court will be directly affected by this election.  One guy wants to continue to implement a new healthcare plan that will change the course of America, and the other guy wants to get rid of it.  Pending on which side of the fence you're on, you might care who is in office because this will directly affect your future.  Yes, government is broken and all that, but these are two candidates with much different viewpoints. 

4) I'm Glad I Got To The Polls Early.

When I arrived, I was fourth in line.  And just as I said to the person in front of me, "Whats with the shit turnout this year," I turned around to see...

Not exactly that, well actually...kinda.  Once the mob settled, there was a fight over line placement. Yeah, a fight.  Screaming and yelling.  I don't understand why it mattered, voting doesn't take very long, it's not like we're in line for free blowjobs and the people providing the goods are getting tired.  Why do we always have to be such assholes to eachother?   America, ladies and gentlemen!

On another note, two people in line had 7-11 coffee cups with Obama's name on it. Apparently, when you buy coffee at 7-11 today, you can show your pride by drinking coffee out of your candidate of choice.  For something that's supposed to be a somewhat private selection, I was kind of surprised by this.  Plus, in LA, I can't imagine I'll see too many Ward Cleaver  Romney cups. 

3) Election Day Should Be A Holiday

Want to get people to vote?  Make it a fucking event.  Americans are lazy, and don't have much sense of civic duty.  But you know what they love? Days off and free donuts.  They like sales.  So make Election Day a holiday, give the people a free donut with every ballot, and, with proof of your vote, you can get 3-5 percent off some bullshit purchase at any store.  Then, lets have election results parties with more donuts.  I don't know the answer exactly, but people love to feel a part of something bigger than them.  So, lets give them that.

2) Did you know that if you DON'T vote in Australia, you get FINED?

Yes, FINED! Can you imagine if this law were suddenly implemented in America?  Egads, oh how the moronic would riot instead of just, ya know, voting.  Then again, when I see the reasons why some people vote for the candidate they do,I have to shake my head.  It's amazing how we just accept the misinformation out there.  Then again, maybe I shouldn't judge others considering I didn't realize I was wearing my t-shirt inside out until I got to work, which was a couple of hours after I originally put it on. 

1) I love Election Day

Once every 2 years (4 really, lots of people dont give a shit about the midterms), we actually get to stand in line and feel like we have a loud voice among 300 million people.  And not in the unimportant form of a Facebook status update or tweet.  And, yes, your vote does matter.  Even if your presidential vote gets swallowed by sheer numbers (and, with the electoral college, it's easy to think your vote doesn't really count), you're still voting for state representatives and senators.  And by doing so, you're giving local people a real voice, not only in your community, not only in the country, but on the world stage.  It's these people  who often become presidents, speakers of the house, senate majority leaders, and what not...So take your localized elections (whether federal or state) seriously, because if you don't...we end up with people like...

...in our government. And that's just not good for anyone.

Top 5 WORST Halloween Candies

Now that Halloween is over, it's time for kids to dump out their plastic jack-o-lanterns or candy bags and review their haul.  Though I do long for the days of trick or treating, I also miss handing out candy, as my current apartment sits behind a gate and gets no visitors.  Everyone loves happy children, right?

Now, handing out candy is a bit of an artform. And, back in the day, I knew the game.  You need to give the kids something memorable. Something dense. Something high caloric.  In fact, one year, I gave out pizza.  Yeah, that's right. Pizza.  Now, it was a limited time offer, but let me tell you something.  Some happy little ghouls and ghosts walked away from my house that night.  And word spread around town.  Later that evening, kids came by, and when I'd offer the normal assortment of candy (which was a fantastic mix of things like Milky Ways and 3 Musketeers), they'd happily accept my chocolate, but then would look over their shoulder, lean in, and whisper "yo, I heard you were givin' out pizza." Like it was weed.  The point of this whole story is I know what I'm talking about.  And if I ever live in a place where trick or treaters come by again, you better believe I'll be the guy giving out full candy bars.  There's nothing fun about fun-size.

But there are some people who just don't get it, so in honor of them, lets get to the TOP FIVE WORST HALLOWEEN CANDIES.


5) Goldenberg's Peanut Chews

I could be mistaken, but I don't think I've ever seen a Goldenberg's Peanut Chew outside of October 31st.  In fact, I think this candy, along with number 4 on this list, is only sold in bags called "Shitty Halloween Candy No One Wants."  Check for it somewhere in the discount section of your local Rite Aid.  Is there any child in the history of the world who has ever looked in your Halloween bowl and said, "A Goldenberg's Peanut Chew? I'm changing costumes so I can come back for more!"

Listen, and this comes from a member of the tribe, unless you're giving me those chocolate gold coins, get outta here with your Jew candy.

4) Mary Janes

This shit looks like its been sitting in the back of your grandmother's candy drawer since 1784.  Seriously, look at it. You think I want to eat this?  On Halloween, kids horde their candy like its gold, but they offer the Mary Jane to their parents.  And when Mom and Dad decline, they go straight to the trash.

3) An Empty Bowl

Listen, you lazy pain in the ass.  I know you're home.  I can hear your television. You can't greet a happy kid at the door?  You have to leave a bowl on your porch with a "take one" sign?  You know every neighborhood has some asshole kid who takes all of it, don't you? Leaving the rest of us with your empty bowl?  Well, guess what...

The sign says "take one!"  I ain't takin' an air molecule.  I was totally the punk kid who used to do this, and by the end of the night I'd have five rather sizable bowls shoved in my pillowcase.  Then I was stuck with your stupid ass bowls.  Next time, just answer the door.  It won't kill you.  Well, unless you give out...

2) Raisins

...then all bets are off.

Nature's candy!  Now, I get it, there's a lot of health nuts out there.  And I think that's great.  In fact, people may accuse me of being one of them from time to time.  But, c'mon on, this is Halloween.  It's one friggin' night.  Don't ruin it for kids with your preachy, healthy bullshit.  Just fill them up with calories for one evening, let them enjoy it.  They aren't your kids.  You don't have to eat the candy.  Plus, do you really want that beautiful tree on your front lawn covered in toilet paper?  Didn't think so.

1) Pennies

This is just un-American.  In fact, I'd rather eat a Milky Way with a razor blade inside it than get pennies.  Hell, I'd rather eat a poisoned Goldenberg's Peanut Chew then lug around your worthless spare change.  You know the only thing pennies are good for?  You take all the pennies you've accumulated throughout the evening, put em in a sock, and beat the hell out of everyone who gave you them with it the following Halloween.   I'd rather you just didn't answer the door.  What's next?  Empty cans I can recycle?

Actually, there was only ONE time in my Halloween history when I was relieved I got pennies.  My buddy and I approached this house we'd never visited, and some ancient, strange woman opened the door and seemed genuinely surprised that we were there.  She pointed at us and was all "ahhh, I'll go getcha something," complete with a wink.  Like a witch might do in a fairy tale, right?  She disappeared for a minute and suddenly we heard some God awful "AAAYAYAYYAAAHHHHHHHH" in the distance.  Then a loud THUD.  My friend and I had NO clue what was coming next, but we agreed that whatever she may give us would go straight to the trash.  But she actually came back with a handful of pennies.

There ya have it, my two cents :D

Top Five Thoughts About Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane!  

Cue that Bob Dylan song!

Growing up in New York, my experience with hurricanes is pretty limited, save for the furious Hurricane Gloria in the mid-80's.  But, if I recall correctly, my brother and I played outside in that, so I guess it couldn't have been too bad.  I do remember school being cancelled though.  So...hooray! Then a buddy of mine got married in one in Florida once and...whatever, who cares.

TOP FIVE THINGS TO LIKE ABOUT HURRICANE SANDY (condolences to the people who died)

5) This Video:

I hope no one got hurt during this explosion, but it makes for a good YouTube video.  Bright lights...whoooaa...

4) This article about 7 fake Sandy related pictures people are sharing on Social Media.

http://mashable.com/2012/10/29/fake-hurricane-sandy-photos/

I especially love the photoshopped still from The Day After Tomorrow.  Well done.  Ahh, people.  They are good for some things. 

3) Mitt Romney has to shut his mouth for a few days

Sandy hits.  President Obama must do damage control, sign orders, assist FEMA, all that.  Normally, anything the President does, Romney is quick to criticize, but its not cool to criticize federal aid for disaster relief, though I'm sure he and his team considered attacking the President, but we all remember how that whole Libya situation worked out.  Furthermore, I think Romney once called federal aid "immoral," because, ya know, helping people is a bad thing.  I can't believe this Ward Cleaver twat might actually run this country.  But I digress...

2) This Picture

I'd have paid 5 bucks to see that happen.  Maybe 7.

1) I'm not in it. 

Between my Facebook feed, random emails, the news, and texts from my mother, I keep expecting to look out the window and see the effects of torrential downpours and gale force winds.  But I'm quickly reminded I live in Southern California and can enjoy 75 and Sunny.  Yeah, yeah, tell me to fuck off and all that.  I have to admit I do miss these kind of days in New York, because only New York can make such things into a memorable event...but then again...75 and Sunny.

Hate on.  No one forced you to live there :D

Top Five Questions Dogs Are Asked.

Having owned a dog, and knowing many other dog owners, I've heard the same questions posed over and over to our canine friends, but never once have I actually heard them answer. Stubborn fucks.  So, I decided to try to get to the bottom of the mystery with Harold.

Here's the TOP FIVE QUESTIONS HUMANS ASK DOGS THAT HAVE YET TO BE ANSWERED.

5) Are you a sleepy puppy? (or, in some cultures, phrased as "Who's a sleepy puppy?") You look like a sleepy puppy.  Are you a sleepy puppy?

4) Would you like a tummy rub? Would you? Would you?

3)  Would you like a treat?

2) Why are you barking? What's going on?  What are you barking at?  Why are you barking?

1) Who's a good boy?

Thrity seconds of your life you'll never get back. 

Have a good weekend.  

Top Five Things On My Mind

Been a really busy few days, but wanted to, at least, get some sort of verbal vomit on the page..screen..whatever.  Definitely some lists I want to create, and will so in the near future.  But until then...

THE TOP FIVE THINGS CURRENTLY ON MY MIND

5) When you admit you're wrong, and then blame witchcraft for the reason why, you're not admitting you're wrong. 

Jason Whitlock, a notorious, inflammatory sports writer, proclaimed Peyton Manning to be "toast" after watching him a few weeks ago, citing diminished arm strength.  Well considering Peyton's MVP performance as of late, Whitlock has had a change of heart. (go to 6). Great!  But... Apparently, Peyton's arm "magically" got stronger, and Whitlock is at a loss as to how it occurred.  What magic waters did he dip his right arm in!  Which of the Greek Gods lent him their strength!  HOW COULD THIS BE!  THE GREATEST MYSTERY EVAH!  OR maybe you were just wrong, and it wasn't so shit in the first place.  It's great that you can admit you're wrong (too many people don't), but playing the "nobody saw this coming" card still makes you a dick. 

4) Speaking Of Dicks:  Mitt Romney

Listen, Mitt Romney is not an idiot.  He's a smart, calculating dick.  Its been well documented that Romney flip-flops, but recently it's gotten out of hand.  I don't know if he and his team read a bunch of polls and just adopt the popular opinion in preparation for debates, but his recent flip-flop on his Afghanistan plan was eye-opening.  Even worse, when the President challenged him on the change of heart, he denied that he'd ever thought any differently, despite the plethora of speeches he gave claiming the contrary.  When you're dealing with the lives of 60k+ soldiers, don't dick around for the sake of political gain, you dick.  But, as I said, he's not dumb.  He knows most casual debate watchers won't fact check him the next day.  Anyone going to CNN, MSNBC, or FOXNEWS for post debate coverage is already planning to vote, and 99 percent of them have already decided who they'll cast their ballot for.  Romney's lies are aimed at the idiotic undecided who don't know any better. The ones who will go back to playing circus music in their head for the next few weeks.  He knows it, and he also knows it probably won't hurt him politically.  In other words, he's a dick.

3) Bad Piggies

The fuckers who made Angry Birds made yet another game I cannot get enough of.  How fun is it to build rickety contraptions?  Fun.  How fun is it to see them crash?  Fun!  How fun is it to use little rocket booster thingees?  Really fun.  How fun is it to taste sweet victory as you've successful transported your green pig to the goal spot?  So fun.  Goodbye productivity.

2) Donald Trump's YUUUUUGEEEEEE Announcement.

I wish this fucker would just choke on some of his money and die already.  His rumored YUUUUUUGGEEEEE announcement that will sink Obama is that, apparently, Michelle and Barack, at one point in time, had decided they would divorce.  OOOOHHHHH NOOOEEEESSSSS.  Go fuck yourself you old, blowhard asshole.  I'm gonna have to do a post on top 5 people I wish would die for the good of the country, the world, and society in general.  He'd be on it for sure.  What does it say about someone who has spent too much money and time with the sole purpose of sinking another person's career?  It makes you a SUPREME asshole.  And, in this case, probably a racist.  Go die. 

1) I don't have another thought.

I hope its a good day. 

Top Five Best Things About Being Sick

I have a cold!

Achoo.  And yeah, it sucks.  Duh.

But even though I'd obviously prefer not to be sick, it does have some advantages.  So here's my TOP FIVE ADVANTAGES TO HAVING A BAD COLD.

5) It's An Excuse For Everything.

"Ah, I can't think straight.  Bad cold!"  "Oh man, I'm so tired, this cold is wrecking me."  "I've written such a shitty blog, fuckin' cold."  But seriously, if you're walking around sneezing and blowing your nose every few seconds, people generally have a little sympathy for you and don't expect you to operate at 100 percent.  I embrace this and totally use it as an excuse whenever I can. 

4) Discovering People's Cracked Home Remedies

When you're sick, everyone has a solution.  Some have the generic "have you taken vitamin C," while others fire back with "just drink some tea," as if that will do anything.  But then some others lean in close like they are about to share a classified, state secret, "you know what need to do.  Take a bath in rose pedals, then run naked through the streets with just your socks on, that's important, then eat a box of wheat thins, and the cold will be gone by morning. Trust me."   It ALWAYS ends with "trust me."
 
3) I Love To Sneeze.

There are few feelings in the world better than a good sneeze.  In fact, mine are so intense that I'm surprised I don't lift off the ground.  I first started getting allergies when I was about 18 or 19, and those were special days because I learned how to force a sneeze.  I think the first day I discovered this talent, I sneezed like 90 times in a row and spent the next 20 minutes lightheaded.  I guess sneezing is my drug of choice.

2) Nyquil

Is there anything better?  No. 

1) It Gets Me Out Of Going Out. 

I can be a natural loner, but I have been making more of an effort to do things out of the house if I'm invited.  That said, sometimes I literally have to drag myself through the door, and then try my best to keep a positive attitude when all I wanna do is sit on the couch.  So if I get sick and it gives me a GOOD excuse to do nothing?  Well, that I embrace.  Like a couple of years ago, I had a bad cold on Halloween.  Nothing made me happier because I had a legit excuse to skip the socially annoying holiday.  And, listen, I know no one cares whether I do something or not.  It's not about that.  It's so I don't have this inner conflict with myself about whether or not to go out.  If I have a bad cold, I get to skip the mental tug of war.  The cold is the trump card.

It's a good question.  Have a good weekend. 

Top Five (QUICK) Thoughts From Last Night's Presidential Debate

My thoughts?

No...not racist puppets.  But these two came out fighting. 

A much different debate than the one two weeks ago.  Either the town hall style better suited the President, or he took the previous ass kicking to heart.  He was more eloquent, concise, and kept the dumb "ummms" and "ahhhs" to a minimum. Regardless, as I said last time, I don't know how much debates matter (probably not a ton), but the President returned with a, well, presidential performance.

Here are my TOP FIVE (QUICK) THOUGHTS ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE:

5) Binders Full Of Women

While discussing the diversity of his Massachusetts cabinet, Mitt Romney claimed he searched through "binders full of women" while looking for qualified female candidates. BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN! *Oops.* Within an hour, a Facebook group called "binders full of women" had about 100k likes, and the strange quote was heavily trending on Twitter.  Mitt had gained ground with women after the last debate, but failed miserably on the question of equal rights for women tonight.  When he was challenged on his stance, he used the anecdotal "binders full of women" speech that was an insensitive non-answer to the question.  Horrible soundbyte.

I find it funny that a Mormon, someone whose religion is, fairly or unfairly, associated with polygamy, would have a BINDER FULL OF WOMEN!  Anyway...

4) "You Are The Last Person To Get Tough On China"

I hope I'm remembering that quote right, but that's an example of how the President debated tonight.  When Romney claimed he'd get tough on China with sanctions, Obama fired back with that quote and Bain Capital's history of outsourcing American jobs to countries like China. I don't know that his performance will reverse the Romney momentum, but he stood tall on his record and withstood Romney's attacks, which was a 180 from the first debate.  (also, for what it's worth, I doubt either will get that tough on China).

But having said that, I find Romney to be a very effective debater.  He's incredibly solid when attacking the Obama economy (he has you convinced America is one job loss away from being a flea market), and he also has a knack for pulling out convincing, specific statistics and studies (whether true or not) when he goes second.  He knows Obama won't be able to attack his points in the current debate format, and uses the fact that the last point made is often the most memorable (which is why its weird he opened himself up to the 47 percent question at the end of the debate).   But, in general, he's better at this than the President.


3) Immigration

Didn't anyone tell Mitt not to piss off the Latinos?  On the subject of immigration, Romney spent the entire time opposing Obama's DREAM act, without proposing any sort of reasonable alternative.  He needs the Latino vote in Nevada and Colorado, and didn't do much to endear himself to them.

2)  Taxes

The Zack Morris promise was back tonight (TVs in every classroom and cheerleaders in every locker!), as Mitt waxed poetically about lower rates without increasing the deficit.  When the President challenged him on the fuzzy math of his tax plan (there are NO ways the numbers add up), all he could say was, essentially, "trust me."   When the moderator asked him to elaborate, he assured the nation that it would add up.  And he sounded like an asshole when he said it.  When numerous independent studies claim otherwise, and after the President's explanations of how it would add trillions to the deficit, Mitt refused to mention anything that resembled a specific.  He had a chance to explain himself, and instead got flustered and resorted to a defensive stance that made him seem like an elitist.  Like that smug boss who wears that "this dick won't suck itself" face all day long.

1)  Benghazi and the "Act Of Terror."

This will be the moment people remember most about this debate.  During the utterly pointless argument of whether or not the President denounced the assassination of the Libyan ambassador on the night of the attack, Romney smugly stuck out his chin and definitively claimed Obama never uttered the phrase "act of terror" during his rose garden speech. Unfortunately for Mitt, not only did the President defend himself by telling him to "check the transcript", but the moderator actually corrected his false claim on the spot.  It's not often lies (or misconceptions) are called out live during debates, but it happened here.  Absolut Embarrass. Even irrational right wing morons like SE Cupp claimed that was a misstep for Romney, and irrational right wing morons like SE Cupp generally never admit to such things.


There ya have my pointless two cents.   But as I mentioned before, I assume this election was decided weeks ago in favor of either candidate.  This country is so divided, I don't believe there's all that much middle ground.  And, because of it, you won't see a shit ton of change no matter who wins.

My Top Five Dream Jobs

America's pastime isn't baseball. No. It's complaining about your job. Everybody does it.  Even if the person likes their job.  It's like something within our DNA forces us to whine about our jobs during idle conversation. Maybe it's just a way for us to bond.

But then, sometimes, we follow the whinge with some "grass is greener" scenario that suggests a job that better fits our skill set would make us "happier."    Like "man, if I only had a job where I worked outside.  That'd be the life."  Or "man, if I only had a job where I sat on my fat ass all day and watched TV while someone rubbed my shoulders. I'd be so good at that."

Well, I'm no better than anyone else, so here are my TOP FIVE DREAM JOBS!

5) Beach Lifeguard (yeah, like Baywatch).

Why this would be a dream job: I love to sit and look at the ocean.  I find it very peaceful.
Why this wouldn't work: I can't swim.

I'm one of those people that finds comfort in the depth of nature, even if I'm more of a city kid and don't love things like camping...or even going to the beach actually.  But the idea of sitting in a lifeguard tower, relaxing in the sun, and watching the ocean all day sounds therapeutic and appealing.  Unfortunately, in this line of work, thousands of people count on you to ensure their safety. And no one should count on me for anything, let alone their lives.  I've always been shit under pressure.  And I'm kinda lazy. Yeah.  So, if I was on the job, this would probably be the likely scenario if tragedy ever struck:

Next time, don't swim out so far.  OK, maybe I should scratch this one off the list.

4) Ice Cream Shop Owner

Why This Would Be A Dream Job:  Who's every angry at an Ice Cream Parlor?
Why This Wouldn't Work:  I have zero business acumen and would probably forget to, ya know, order things.  Plus, it's not 1950 anymore.  How many of these actually exist?
Another Reason It Would Be A Dream Job: I could wear a paper hat.
Another Reason Why This Wouldn't Work:  I'd eat all the ice cream.

But I'd have the best flavor names around!

"Sir, this was really good. Can I get a pint of the Cookies n Cream...In You Pants *Hey Oh* to go for my wife?  Oh, you're out? Hmmm, how about the Mango(fuckyourself) sherbet?

3) The Guy Who Writes English Signs For Foreign Countries.

Why This Would Be A Dream Job: Seems easy.  I'd get to work from home.  It'd require zero thought and/or effort. And maybe I could *eee* travel every so often to, ya know, get entertained by the clients. 
Why This Wouldn't Work: I don't think this job exists.

I know we've all seen the funny English signs in China, we've all had our lulz.

Wtf?

But even throughout numerous European countries, there are signs meant for English tourists that are just a bit off.  For example, and I'm making this up, instead of a hotel sign that says "We offer dry cleaning. Please request at the front desk."  It might say, "The dry cleaning of clothes is done with pleasure and care if you will leave it at the front desk." Kind fucked, right?  That's where I'd come in.  I won't translate your signs from other languages, I'm too stupid and uncultured for that. But just take your best shot at English, and I'll quickly write copy that makes perfect sense to English speaking travelers.  I assume good English is comforting to American tourists, and attention to this detail could only help word of mouth.  Though I'm lost on how to change the above sign.  Egads.

2)  The Host Of "The Amazing Race."

Why This Would Be A Dream Job:  Duh.
Why This Wouldn't Work: I don't think I'm a bad looking guy, but if you had to compare me to someone, and your only choices were Brad Pitt and a troll, you'd probably pick the troll.

This is arguably the coolest job on Earth.  You get numerous free, around the world trips (twice a year actually), and you literally do nothing but talk to people for a few minutes, and pretend to give a shit about what they just went through.  I have personality, I have zest.  I could kill at this job.  Plus, I'd add a little something extra.  When teams check in at the pit stop, I'll say, "Jen and Chris.  You are team number 2!" Then...

Every time to every team.  My little wrinkle.

1) The Last Guy On The Bench For The Knicks

Why This Would Be A Dream Job: Travel the country, get courtside seats to EVERY game, all while getting paid six figures to do it?  Count me in.  I bet it'd even get me laid.
Why This Wouldn't Work:  Ummm, can't think of a reason.

In 1989, the Knicks had a player named Greg Butler.

There he is.

Greg was the last guy off the bench. And the only white guy on the entire team.  He'd NEVER play unless the game was completely out of hand.  But the Knicks fans LOVED him, even though they treated him as if he was a half retarded kid with a back brace, instead of, ya know, one of the top 250 basketball players in the world.  If the Knicks were up by 15 with two minutes left, the "WE WANT BUTLER" chants would rain from the Garden faithful.  When he got off the bench and stripped his warm-ups, it was like the Fourth of July.  And if he scored?  You can only imagine.   Greg Butler was the ultimate novelty.

Now, New York is known for lots of things:  The Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, great pizza, the list goes on and on.  But New York is also known for something else:  its plethora of short Jewish men with less than marginal athletic ability.

And this is where I step in.  Lets make a checklist.

1) Basketball is supposed to be entertaining.
2) The last guy on the bench never plays. All he does is wave a towel and slap hands.  
3) The crowd always loves the last guy on the bench.  They can't get enough of an underdog
4) If you had to compare my basketball skill to one of two things, an NBA player or someone with no limbs, it'd definitely be someone with no limbs. In other words, THE ULTIMATE UNDERDOG.  
5) The Jews need their Jeremy Lin.

So let me be Jeremy Linowitz.

You're telling me the New York faithful wouldn't kill to see a 5'7, 140 pound Jew walk on the court when the game is long out of reach?  Please, they'd chant my name from the rafters starting in the first quarter.  When I'd strip off my warm ups, the crowd would go ballistic.  And you know those promotions that some teams run that gives the crowd free pizza if the home team scores 125 points in a win?  They'd do that every time I hit a three pointer.  And, soon, they'd call me this.

Hell, I'd even wear a yarmulke if I had hair to attach it to.  I'm probably a joke half the time anyway, I might as well get paid for it.

And there are your Monday thoughts!